Becoming a new mom and taking in a step child full time how do I cope?

  • My son is now 7 weeks old and 19 days before i delivered my son my husbands ex-wife decided that she no longer wanted my 14yr old step daughter to live with her. I would never not want my daughter to live with her father and I. I love her just as much as I love the son I gave birth too. When I was on leave from work I delt pretty well. Now I am back to work and I am unsure if I can handle everything, I work 40hrs a week plus I always have running to do after work. I have to take my daughter to school in the morning plus drop my son off at the sitters before i go work my 8+ hr day. My husband thinks he is helping but sometimes I feel like he is just sitting there. On top of all of this my 12yr step son (he still lives with his mother) has down syndrome and they just recently discovered that he was born without his right kidney and his left kidney is no longer working the way it should. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this and not take it out on the children?  Please any advise would help!

  • Well first i would talk to your husband and tell him how you know he is doing his best to help but that you feel he can do a little more to help you since you have a lot to do also, just so you dont go off at him and say the wrong thing like hey you dont help you just sit there. Then just try to have a little time for you at least 30 min tell your husband to take care of the kids only for 30 minutes while you relax and unstress for a while.

  • Houstonjsmom-

    Oh my gosh your life just took a huge change!  I want to start by offering to you that you are doing just what you need to be doing to figure out how to deal with all of this-you are carefully thinking it through and then you are reaching ouf for support by coming here.  I am hoping that some of the other mom's on the board can just in with some practical ideas.  I think one thing that might be helpful is getting a really good line of communication going between yourself and your husband.  In  oder for both of you to feel supported and to get all the needs met of the family you two have to be able to communicate very well, as well put a message out to the children that you are a strong family. This often helps with any behavior issues should they arise.  My other thought is that some delegation needs to happen.  Everyone in the family needs to be taking active roll within the family.  For instance your husband might have drop off duty if you have pick up duty of the childern.  Another thing-meal times can be split so that you cook three dinners, your husband 3 and then the last one can be a family cooking session where you all work together and help teach your daughter how to cook.  I think an organizational calendar might really help that is posted in the house that has everyones meetings, sports, appts, on it so it's clear what is happening from day to day.  I'm hoping some of these ideas can give you a start to your brainstorming.  Please take good care of yourself,

    Jess

  • First of all, I applaud you for being so loving to your step children. I know this seems like a lot on your plate right now, so take a step back for a minute. Talk to your husband and let him know how you are feeling and that you are overwhelmed. It is a lot to deal with and chances are, your husband is overwhelmed as well. You are right to be concerned about taking out your frustrations and anxiety on the kids. It is not their fault either and it is probably very overwhelming for them as well--especially your step daughter. It is important to keep the lines of communication open in the family. Talk to your step daughter as well and see if you can get her to help you out more. Maybe she can help with dinner or with getting the baby ready in the mornings. Even if she just holds the baby in the evenings so you can get a moment to yourself. Good luck and hang in there....it is an adjustment period and it will get better. 

  • Everyone gave you some great answers. I just wanted to say that you have a tremendous amount of stress on your plate right now with so many changes. It's very hard in the initial couple of months when such a big chance occurs but things often sort themselves out. You are making a huge difference in the life of a child with your stepdaughter and your son will be such a blessed little boy to have a mother with a huge heart like yours. Hang in there and know that we are all rooting for you. Vent on here whenever you need to!

  • I agree with all the posts... just do your best to calmly communicate your stress to your husband. Don't hold it in until you are as stressed as can be and you begin to resent the loved ones around you. One day when you are both off and have some time alone, explain to your husband what you need him to do to take some of the stress off of your shoulders.

  • Houstonjsmom-

    I just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going.  You posted a few days ago so just wanting to see how you are doing.  Drop us an update if /when you have time.

    :) Jessica

  •   Thank you to everyone for your advise.  I have sat down and talk to my husband. We have worked out a schedual. I will get up with the baby sun-thurs then he will get up with friday and saturday. He is a garbage man and withhis schedual i want to make sure he doesn't fall asleep driving or emptying the truck. Also he will pick up the baby mon and wedns and i got tues and thurs. My in laws have agreed to pick my daughter up from school everyday excpet my day off and they take her the days I open at my job. Things are getting a little easier but it is still a work in progress. I am slowly learning how to deal. Some of the best advise i have gotten is starting a journel to get out what i can't say in fear of hurting because i am fustrated. Things are getting better and I know i am blessed for what I have. I thank you all so much