Never saw this coming....

  • Am a new mom. This is my first baby, he is 6 months old now. He was planned and my husband has totally bailed on me. I never saw myself doing this alone and I am overwhelmed and so scared. I am tired all the time...I NEVER get a break because it is just me. I am depressed and it is NOT post partum depression (discussed with doctors). I find myself breaking out into tears a lot cause I just keep trying to keep it together cause I am all this little boy has....he is suffering a little because mommy has to take slightly longer breaks to get myself together when I start to break down. I am in the worst situation I could ever imagine...I am not saying that it could not be worse...I KNOW it could be much worse...but that perspective is not helping me to get through this. Here is an example....we had health insurance....my husband NEVER added him to the poilcy when he was born and lost his job....I am the only one that takes our baby to the doctor so I signed all of the medical forms as the responsible party....I have more than 5,000 in medical bills...we had insurance!!! I just don't understand! I am getting that taken care of but there are so many horrible things like that - that are going on and I am truly struggling to keep it together!  I am going to keep the discussion around the baby....HE IS SOOOOO AWESOME! I have always loved children and used to teach gymnastics....I am SOOOO lucky. He is a really good baby!!! He hardly cries....I think he knows mommy is having a really hard time. So overwhelmed I just feel like I can't even think straight. I don't like to cry when I am holding my son...so I try very hard not to...but even that upsets me. I just feel like I am crumbling. I know there are plenty of moms that have done this alone before...I just don't know what I am doing everything is so new and I wish I wasn't dealing with all this other stuff so that I could focus more on my son and his development. Am sitting here in tears as I write this.

  • So sorry that you are struggling with all that is happening in your life. Your little boy is beautiful and you are strong enough to raise him on your own, but you don't have to be totally alone. Reaching out to Strong Moms is a good first step, and it sounds  like you may need to also reach out to support groups. Since doctors have told you you don't suffer post-partum depression, maybe you should sit with a therapist once you get your insurance squared away. If you are crumbling, you need expert advice and professional support. Continue to let us know how you are doing and good luck... your baby is so lucky to have you!

  • My heart is breaking for you debgirl! I can feel your pain through your post and I just want to say that we are all behind you 100%. Even though it seems like the darkest hour right now, just stay strong for your little boy and I promise that things will get better. Talk to your doctor about possibly seeing a counselor right now as you struggle to deal with your new life situation. No doubt your husband leaving you has left you with conflicting feelings of sadness, anger, and fear. A good doctor and counselor can help you grieve for your loss and pick up the pieces of your life. Before you know it, things will start to feel a bit more normal. Until then, talk to family, friends, and others and surround yourself with a good support system. Talk to the hospitals about cutting your medical expenses and look into government programs that could help you and your baby through this rough time. You are doing a great job and your little boy is lucky to have you. Remember ...it is always darkest before the dawn--and your dawn is coming very soon. Hang in there!

  • Thank you.

  • Thank you. I am working all the programs I can. Am used to being able to provide for myself....filling out application after application and telling my story over and over is REALLY REALLY hard! As well as time consuming! I have a few friends that I can talk to but my family....some just give me the I told you so...and others just can't bear to hear it any more becuase it stresses them out and breaks their heart. My mother is doing her best to help and she has been amazing but she is complaining to me that her blood pressure is up and she is 70...so I try not to share as much with her and some others any more....hence I find myself here. I am so freaking scared!!!!!!!!!!!! I am confident in being mommy...just not so sure about being mommy AND daddy! I can already see a bit of the affect on my son...he plays alone a lot because I am the only one around to do everything. I don't always have the luxury of waiting until he is napping for a shower...sometimes have to put him in his crib or toy to play while I shower where other kids would be with their "other" parent instead of alone. They don't recommend TV to children under 2 but sometimes it is all that I have to keep his attention while I get ready for work or make and eat some dinner. It is soooo hard!!! I KNEW it was going to be hard with 2 parents....I am so afraid of failing him. So hubby is out of the house and things are getting peaceful and quiet again...I have my son on Medicaid as I could only find a part time job but am still looking for FT. I am at the cut off line for income...if I get another job he loses his Medicaid so it HAS to be a FT job I change to...I cannot add another part time job. And my income is over the line for ME to be on Medicaid so I have NO insurance. I was told I can apply for a retro-claim with medicaid and am working on the medical bills. I have applied for childcare assistance but the wait list is 8 months -1 year....didn't realize I should have applied before he was born lol. I spoke with Domestic Violence hotline and am supposed to get 8 free counseling sessions...but they are dragging their feet a bit. Am getting ready to apply to WIC for food stamps and formula assistance. My husband bailed on the last 2 months rent even though he was here...am possibly going to be evicted. My cell phone has been cut off because at this point it is a luxury not a necessity. I never have ANY time to myself or money to treat myself to anything. I am not all that young ...I almost 40 and I am exhausted. I just feel like I am running on fumes. Trying really hard to keep my head of above water.....

  • Debgirl,

    I want to start by offering you a gentle hug through the computer wireless waves.  You are doing an incredible job of advocating for yourself and your child.  I really want you to stop and own how hard this time of your life is, and what an AMAZING job you are doing in dealing with it.  I am impressed beyond words.  You have accessed most of the resources that I can think of and I just want to encourage you to be persistent with any services that are dragging.  I hear your guilt over having the little one need to watch a bit of extra tv or spend time in playpen.  What I can tell is that you are really doing your very best.  You are providing you little one with a safe place, warmth, food and love.  That is awesome.  

    In reading your post I thought of this quote, and thought it might help you stay strong during these tough days-

    “A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.” 
    ― Eleanor Roosevelt

    Stay strong,

    Jess

  • Thank you so much Jess!! I appreciate what you had to say about how I am feeling about the fact that my son has to wait longer for me and the tv thing....it's just so frustrating!! They say ADD and ADHD can be associated with tv exposure at such a young age but ...I don't have a lot of options. BUT I HATE IT!!! Thank you for the quote!!  :)

  • Debgirl-

    I'm glad that you found some relief in my reply to you.  I have no heard about a connection between TV time and ADHD.  I think what the key is, is to make sure that your child is getting a variety of activities throughout the day.  It's very much about balance.  Everything in moderation-just like dessert with every meal isn't the best nutritional idea, tv all day long-also not the best.  I also want to point out that some of it has to do with what your kiddo is watching.  I have quite a few young patients who can count, tell me their colors, say hello and goodbye and so on-in both english and spanish...They acquired this skill from watching Dora the explorer.  There are also some good baby einstein movies, and I am betting you can check them out from the public library.  Another great thing for little ones while doing time in the play pen is kid appropriate music, books, building toys, ect.  It's a good skill for kids to learn to entertain themselves!

    Hang in there and keep us posted. :)

    -Jess

  • Thanks Jess. I have the baby Einsteins and we used to watch Disney but I like Nick Junior MUCH better. I have heard about Sprout but I need to subscribe to the channel...no extra funds for that...so we will make due with what we have  :)  Music is a great idea I have a little cd player in his room....I tend to play upbeat jazz for him as I don't have any childrens music. And we have a TON of toys - one's that speak English y Espanol tambien.  :)  I guess I worry as I am hyper and he already seems pretty hyper at 6 months! LOL! The neighbors down stairs I KNOW hate me!!!  He has started this thing with lifting his legs and slamming them down hard on the floor and repeating over and over...especially when he gets excited. I am used to girls. Never been around many little boys...babies or toddlers....and I am a girl...lol...just not sure what I am doing. I know boys and girls have some differences even in their learning...read articles saying that boys are much more hands on and into things more of a physical nature....touching, manipulating with their hands and feet etc. I am hoping grandma will by us a gymnastics class for Valentines Day or my birthday coming up. I used to work at the Little Gym and would love to get him into a mommy and me class.

    Husband was supposed to come see him last night and watch a movie with me...but he found something to argue about before he even got here and then used the excuse that he was too mad to hang out. Afterwards..we talked and he said he would call this morning and asked if I would answer...after all the things I did trying to make sure we had a nice evening last night I told him I would see  how I felt. Well we were up at 4 Am about the ususal and i was so tired and irritated from last night I wasn't going to answer the phone when he called but as the mornign went on I thought you know...the mornings are the BEST time with him (the baby) he is sooo happy and smiley! I decided when he called I would answer. He never called. I am having a lot of trouble letting go. I am pretty sure my son't life would be better if I just let my husband go...considering all the stress he causes me and the fact that in one way or another it does get transferred to our son....but I jut can't seem to do it. My husband is sooo good at manipulating ...and saying the things I need and want to hear....but with in a day or so or even hours he is back to his rude inconsiderate self. I need to get into some type of counseling therapy...I just can't seem to do it on my own. First marriage first baby...the whole situation just breaks my heart!

  • I so know what you mean-it is very hard to let go.  My hope for you is that you can give yourself permission to grieve that this is not what you wanted, and then allow yourself to heal.  This may take time-and that is ok.  Life changes direction, and sometimes we can't understand why, many people do find though that looking back it's all the way it's supposed to be.

    -Jess

  • I just wanted to add my thoughts and prayers for you. I almost teared up reading your posts - I can hear the stress and desperation in your posts. I commend you for all the work you are doing to get life under control and all the forms/paperwork/phone calls you are making. You are doing such a great job and MORE than some moms could do. I'd add to JessBaby's comments and say that it is a good thing for your son to be on his own at times. Baby's who never learn to be content entertaining themselves or soothing themselves have a lot of trouble when they need to do that later in life. Your son is going to know he is LOVED and cared about. Keep coming on here and venting and letting us know how you are doing. HUGS.

  • Thanks Julie. Feels good to hear I am doing something right with my son.  :)  Must admit am depressed with Valentines day tomorrow...don't really want to think about it. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks...to do anything I would need to arrange a sitter...asked a girlfriend (someone that I am not real close with but is a good person - but her bf is also friends with my husband) if she would have dinner with me as I didn't really want to be alone. She told me that she thought about it and that she is not comfortable. WOW! All I can say is that that hurt. So many friends are both me and my husbands....moving on and having my own life is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

    Not sure if I had mentioned this....lots of rumors going around that my husband has/is sleeping with a lot of girls (one was my best friend and another also a friend) but I don't really know cause I am always home with the baby... But one of the girls got pissed one night and showed up at my apt and tried to kick in my front door and when she couldn't she went to her truck and repeatedly hit my vehicle. She was arrested and is facing felony charges. I told my husband that he had to chose between being her friend or his family...long story short...the court threw out my case and allowed him to come home...the day before court with that girl he ran out of the house that night...had a feeling in my gut so I drove by her work only to find my husbands vehicle outside her bar. I told him not to come home. He came home the following day...that night he went out and stayed out late...I called to say if "you are going to do this not coming home thing...I want my key back" if he is hanging out with that girl it would only take her a few seconds while he is sleeping for her to get my key...but he swears he is not friends with her anymore. Anyway, he gave me his key back. Friends of friends said they saw the two of them together the other night....am just so frustrated and hurt and sick of all the drama that comes with him! I do not know for sure if he is cheating (however by ex-best friend confessed they slept together a few times and showed me a bunch of text messages he sent her) my husband claims she "faked" the messages. Really? It can be done but she is not that tech savvy to do it. He has done nothing but deny everything....and I have no proof myself...but my gut tells me...he is a jerk and probably is....when I heard that he was out with that girl the other night I told him I wanted nothing to do with him. He started telling me I must have a new boyfriend and that I must be drunk to be saying what I was...

    Have no idea how to get out of this Jerry Springer LIFE!!! Am going to try to get back in touch with the people that offered me the counseling ...don't know who to talk to or how to even handle all this craziness. Am so lost and so hurt I can barely think straight.

  • Yikes-wow. Your husband is really being incredibly hurtful and causing so much stress and pressure on you. I'm so sorry. I think your plan to get in touch with those counselors is a really good one. Since your husband gave his key back, can he get back into the home? It sounds like he really needs to just stay away with all the drama he has caused. I'm so sorry about the Valentine's Day rejection too. How hurtful. Why don't you just do a little something to pamper yourself. When your boy takes a nap, see if you can sneak out with him in his carseat and get a pedicure or something. Just work on loving yourself and taking care of yourself this Valentine's Day. You are worth it!!

  • I can't say I know exactly what your going through because I am not in your shoes. However, I do know how it feels when someone deserts you out of no where. I don't know your religious background, but if you are pray about your issues. Think of some female figure in your life that you have looked up to or admire. Use that to keep going and to stay strong. As a mother and a woman it is difficult to raise a child esp. a boy but I know you can do it! Let those tears come as they may because like my mother told me tomarrow is another day and each day you wake up and keep going, you will see how fast time flies. stay strong.

  • oh my god debgirl, i weep for you. your EX is the SCUM OF THE UNIVERSE for leaving you as he did and at this time. however, despite that you're still going for your little boy and are doing everything in your power to raise him as well as you possibly can. i applaud you. you may not think it, but your stronger beyond what words can describe. god KNOWS what i would have done in this situation. im not sure i'd be able to function, but you. you have gone beyond your limits to care for your child and are STILL going. you are the definition of the word "prevailing". you are the best mother in the world and don't think anything less than that about yourself. one day, your son will grow up and see all that you've done for him and know he is loved even without his father being in his life. i WISH my mother did the same for me when i was growing up without my father. instead she used her mother and aunt to take care of me most of the time while she went out. believe me, he'll appreciate you and love you so much despite having to play alone sometimes so mommy can take a shower or even to just have a little time alone. and remember; the night is always darkest before dawn