Advise please

  • I usually don’t post on here, but I feel lost on what to do. Every week my family has a family dinner. Each week after dinner, my father will go outside practice his golf swing, while most of us stay inside to help my mother clean up. During the clean up, my sister will make snide comments to me or yell at me no matter what the topic of conversation is.

    So here is my question, I am tired of being verbally abused each week and I want to know what I can do to make the situation better. I have tried talking with her, ignoring her, and even lashing back at her. Nothing is working and it keeps going on. The only option I see left is to stop attending but that would mean stop seeing my family. I do not want to do this but I don’t see another option. I have tried talking to my folks but they just make excuses for her and say to ignore her but I cannot do that anymore.

    Can anyone suggest something that I haven't thought of?

  • I am a HUGE family person. That being said when a member of your family is continually abusive, verbally or otherwise, and you have exhausted all other options then it's time to get out. I don't know your situation. I don't know if you're super sensitive and are misconstrewing the situation, I don't know whether she is right or wrong about the topic of conversation or even if she's just using unconventional methods to get you to see her point of view. I do know that it is not ok to feel or be abused in any fashion by anyone let alone your own family. If I were you and in this situation i would look my sister and any other person in question square in the eyes and say " I do not agree with you and I feel abused by the way you are choosing to communicate with me. I've endured this week after week and it's time that this stops. If you can not communicate with me in a manner that is reasonable then you give me no other choice then to stay away from you. If you value our relationship the slightest bit then you will back off". The ball is in the other persons court at that point and is no longer your problem. I come from a very spirited family and at times we have a tendency to sound angry and harsh when we do not mean to be... Knowing this; whenever my brothers or sisters or other family members start showing signs of escalating "spirit" then i simply bring awareness to the way they are speaking to me, that i don't appreciate it, and that it's not acceptable. They do the same for me as well. I really hope things get better for you and that you can make amends with your sister. 

  • I'm so sorry - what a difficult situation to deal with. It's so hard to know what to do when you are dealing with people who won't get along with others - especially when they are your own relatives! I think that you may need to put your foot down and tell your sister that you would appreciate respectful, loving conversation and that you will leave if the conversation turns south. Stick to your word and leave in a calm manner if she cannot respect your boundaries. If that does not work, consider staying for dinner only and then heading outside/leaving when dinner is over or not coming at all. Perhaps if your parents know that you feel so strongly about this that you may not come over at all, maybe they will change their tune a bit too? I hope this gets better for you. Hugs. 

  • Thank you all. I had another talk with my mother last night and I told her that I am going set up a time for my sister and I to go out to lunch together so we can talk about what is going on away from any other family members. I told my mother that if this does not resolve the situation and if my sister continues to treat me the way she does then I will no longer be attending family functions where she is present. Of my mother was not happy to hear this, what mother would, and she just instisted that I ignore my sister and keep coming but I stood my ground. Pray that the right things to say will come to me. I really want to make this work.

  • Good for you for standing up for yourself. It can be really hard to do when it involves someone you care about. Honestly i rarely know what to say before i have to say it and it usually just comes. Good luck with your sister.

  • Good for you! I hope that your sister values her relationship with you enough to change. I'll be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes. 

  • Well, I tried to get a hold of my sister but she didn't respond to my phone call or text message. So my mother went ahead and asked my sister what was going on and my sister said that she wasn't into the whole baby thing and doesn't want to hear about it so I shouldn't talk about my pregnancy when she is around. So my folks said not for me to worry about it and if she starts acting out they will help me with her. Should be fun, I see her tonight and my baby shower is this weekend which she has rsvp'd for.

  • Well, dinner was fine. My sister didn't make any comments or anything so hopefully this means things will be getting better. Fingers crossed. But when my mom said see you Saturday to her before she left she said why, what's going on? My mom said the baby shower. And she said oh. Well, remind me Friday night. I understand it's not her day, but still it made me disappointed that she didn't remember her own nephew’s day. Oh well. Baby steps for our relationship and then maybe things will get much better.

  • Tiffany-

    I am so impressed with how you stood up for yourself!  It sounds like you are starting to see some positive as a result.  Things may be up and down, but so long as they are overall on the upswing then I'd say your making progress. :)  

    I hope you can appreciate what a good role model you already are for your baby-learning to and actual standing up for oneself is really hard, and really important.  You are one strongmom! (sorry couldn't help the wordage!)

    -Jess