Husband wants a divorce b/c I got an IUD

  • My husband & I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary. We have 4 children total. He had 2 boys (from an ex girlfriend) who we have full custody of. They were 15 months and 2 1/2 years old at the time when we met. They are 6 & 8 now, so I am "Mom" to them and they are my boys. Together we have 2 daughters. One who is 2 years and a 2 month old. My husband doesn't want any more and has pretty much convinced me that I don't want any more either, so he wanted me to get my tubes tied. I didn't want to (I'm only 25 & he's 28) I told him I would to make him happy. I asked him several times to have a vasectomy, but he is terrified of hospitals and needles and refused point blank. Well up until the night before I delivered my 2nd daughter I changed my mind about having my tubes tied and told him I rather have an IUD. He didn't want me to have one, since his ex girlfriend had one years ago and got infected and eventually had ovarian cists. (not sure if the IUD caused it or not) he just heard so much bad stuff about them. Any time we brought the topic up, it ended up in a fight. So I just never brought it up. I went ahead and had my dr order the Mirana and it finally came in. I mad an apointment this past Wednesday to go in and have it placed. I didn't keep it a secret, my husband knew I had a dr apointment but I guess didn't realize it was for the IUD. He texted me later that day asking how my dr apointment went and what I went in for. When I told him to have the IUD placed, he FLIPPED OUT! Told me he was filiing for divorce (which he's mentioned a time or two over the past 3 years and never did anything) but the fact that he is so beyond pissed b/c I had an IUD put in. He doesn't like to wear condoms, b/c he says he feels like a kid back in high school. I know he is dead set on no more kids (& I sorta am too) but I also read a study that about 75% of woman who have their tubes tied under the age of 30 regret it later in life. My take is, being so young what happens if we do end up wanting another child later on? Or god forbid something tragic happens to one of our kids? I know you can't replace a child, or if we get a divorce later on and being that the boys aren't biologically mine, I decide I want a 3rd kid?? The list goes on, on why I don't want my tubes tied and he just doesn't understand! So it's been Day 2 and I haven't talked to him. (though he was out of town for work) but he comes home today. Am I wrong for having an IUD? Does he have a right to be mad? I know it's my body and I can do as I please, but since we are married should he also have say so in what I do? Any help or advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks!!! Tongue Tied

  • It sounds like he is reacting out of both fear and out of love.  Sometimes it helps to have this perspective in trying to figure out how to respond to people.  If he had a past relationship in which he witnessed a bad outcome from an IUD then it seems he is ultimately reacting bc he is afraid of loosing you.  Perhaps it would help to get him to talk to your doctor or have him read some of the info on the minera.  I'd hope that with some education he would see that this is a good choice for you and for your relationship.  Keep us posted!

    -Jess

  • Oh goodness, I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I will tell you that I had the Mirena and aside from a personality change, depression, and insane mood swings after it was put in i didn't have any real complaints. I inevitably had it taken out last October because of tons of lawsuits that are currently going on with that particular IUD. I didn't really have time to research it before i got it so i was basically going off the information my doctor gave me and what she recommended. She never told me about the major risks like uterine perforation, possible sterilization, ectopic pregnancy (of course these are all on the serious side). Could some of these risks (and the ongoing lawsuit against Mirena) be part of why your husband didn't want you to get an IUD? I totally get that he doesn't want any more children, but the decision to get your tubes tied is entirely yours, it is YOUR body. If he doesn't want any more children then HE is the one who needs to make the changes to make it happen. The threats of divorce in my opinion is his way on manipulating you to get what he wants out of you. That being said if the Mirena really is a deal breaker for him and he really wants a divorce then i would suggest maybe seeing a third party such as a therapist who can give you a last chance to work through your issues. I hope it gets better for you.

  • For starters, you absolutely have a right to do what you want to do with your body. I agree that you do not want to do something permanent at such a young age. If your husband feels that strongly about not having any more kids, not wearing condoms, and not having you have an IUD, then he needs to step up to the plate and go explore his options (i.e. vastectomy). He definitely should not threaten divorce every time he gets mad. 

    I agree with Jess_BabyRN, education is the best way to battle his fears and misconceptions. He needs to go talk to a doctor about all of your birth control options including vasectomy, IUD, and the pill. There are so many options out there nowadays. Hopefully when he comes home from his trip he will be in a better mood and will have calmed down about this situation. He may have just needed some time to think through things a bit. Let us know how it goes.

  • Did you ever think of getting the little stick in your arm? that last 2-5 years i think there are two dif kinds, but its effective right away and its effect right when you take it out. So if you decide you want it out early bc you guys want to try that's not an issue. If he has such a huge issue with the IUD why didn't you look into other birth control? I know the pill is lame, but they have shots and like i said the stick(I can't remember what its called) but there are other forms of birth control.

    You have to talk to him, you can't just avoid a situation, and you probably should have tried to have better talks before you just went and did it. I know on some subjects people can be very irrational, and not want to see another view, but you are married and yes it is your body, but if he's concerned I think you should dicuss it and see why? go from there and figure out a compramise.

    As far as him calling divorce to get what he wants, you better nip that ish in the butt. That's very immature of him, and not fair. You can't just call divorce bc you don't get your way. If he's that flighty with his feeling towards you not what will happen later. That I would say is a huge no-no you can't just let it slide.

    (of course you are your own person, but that's my oppinion on that-the boy who cried wolf)

    Best of luck hun!

  • PeytonsKloset - How are you doing? Are things any better? I hope so...thinking of you. Keep us updated on how you are!

  • Thank You!! A few days had passed and since my husband was out of town for work that week, which was probably best so he could cool off a bit... He had emailed me paperwork and ways to go through a divorce in a civil matter that same day. (He is not much for face to face confrontation) so I emailed him back, saying I wasn't giving up that easily and that we could talk to a marriage counselor if he'd like. I then called his mom & dad to see if he had talked to them yet about anything. (which he hadn't) So I told them what was going on, which of course she called him asking him whats going on. She said we need to go to church, and he shouldn't be so mad at me, etc. etc....  Later that eveing he texted and said he was sorry for everything and wanted to "talk" when he got home. When he finally got home that evening we sat down to talk, he expressed his feelings and I expressed mine. He said he felt like me wanting to have an IUD instead of my tubes tied meant that I didn't think we would stay together in the future and if I found someone else then I could still have kids. I told him that wasn't the reason though. He said it was more of a reality check to him when I actually called his mom about it all. He said, to him it made him think that I really cared about him and was truely not giving up. So once we both talked (& cried) and talked some more, we decided to all go out to dinner. By that time it was about 10pm... Things have been MUCH better since then. He said he can't feel the IUD at all, which was another big concern for him initially. So thankfully things worked out for us after all! Smile

  • I'm so glad you guys were able to talk things through and discuss things that were standing in the way of clear communication! Sounds like that talk was a good one and really helped to put you guys in a better spot in your marriage. I hope that things continue to improve - they are headed in the right direction! 

  • I would also like to point out that by having a tubal ligation done you could suffer from PTLS. Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome. It could cause your body and hormones to go heywire!!! It is a decision that can seriously effect you and maybe he should look up the sideffects from having a tubal ligation done before he tries to be mad at you for not having one.