Grandmother who does as she pleases....

  • My boyfriend's mother watches our daughter an average of 2 days a week while we are at work. There have been two situations that have thrown me for a loop and quite frankly made me mad. The first one being when I arrived to pick up my baby and she and my daughter were no where to be found. We tried calling her cell phone and there was no answer. Needless to say I was worried and pacing the sidewalk as I waited. When she arrived 30 minutes late I conveyed to her that I expected for them to be there and was worried and would appreciate it if she wouldn't let that happen again or else at leat call if she will be late. Her excuse was that her phone wasn't working (which seems to be a common excuse). She ended up getting mad and said she wasn't going ot babysit anymore. Long story short we worked things out and decided she would babysit again on her days off. Well last week she up and decided to take my baby half way accross the state 2 hours away to Kansas City without asking first and mentioned nothing of it t me. I found out from my boyfriend and he only knew because she asked him right before she got on the highway if he wanted to go. there was no giving us any notice or asking if it was okay that she took her. However she did text me that morning and asked me to bring her stroller. I'm the one who drops her off and picks her up so she had every opportunity to tell me. This time I had my boyfriend confront her about it. She got mad, twisted everyhing around and once again said she wasn't going to babysit because I don't trust her. My boyfiend thinks he's in the middle. I'm just fine with her not babysitting because I have a regular babysitter to tak her to. Am I overreacting or how should I handle things when she wants to see our baby from now on?

  • I think it's important that you are able to be honest with her about how you feel.  I would take some time to think about how this makes you feel-is the anger coming from fear?  from lack of communication?  or?  Then if you are able to tell her how you are feeling this may have more impact on her than just to not do x or y.  My mom once told me that most our reactions come from either fear or love and applying this concept helps me a lot.  Maybe if she knew that it's not that you don't trust or like her, it's that your fearful -she might just respond better.  
    Let us know how things are going with her,

    Jess 

  • You are not overreacting AT ALL! Parents need to be informed where their children are at all times and if there is any change to what is expected, it is common courtesy for the babysitter, no matter who it is, to inform you right away. Your boyfriend's mother seems sneaky and if she is going to get defensive and rationalize her behavior and then make threats, she should not be allowed to babysit. Without knowing the dynamic or how trustworthy she is, based on your post, I would not even let her spend time with your daughter without you or your boyfriend being present.

  • I don't think you are overreacting at all! I would be pretty upset if I was unaware of my child's location for long periods of time like that and certainly long trips would not be okay without prior clearance. You are the mother here - It's your rules and boundaries that count here. It's important for your boyfriend's mother to understand that. You might need to consider a different baby sitting situation and simply have your child at her place when you are there for play dates. Always trust your instincts!!

  • Well it's been about a week and a half since the incident occurred and she hasn't seen my daughter since. I believe she has been bugging the heck out of my boyfriend about the whole issue but we both feel like it's not something we wish to get in a big uncomfortable discussion with her about considering she doesn't think she did anything wrong and is pointing the finger at us..... I did talk breifly with him about it the other night and feel much better knowing that he sees things for how they are and isn't all wrapped up in his mother's rationalizations. So we have decided we will just take her to the regular sitter we use from now on. In response the Jess's comment, my feelings are coming from both anger and fear. Not to mention I think she has messed up boundaries which are evident in other aspects of her life which I won't get into. But I think it was pretty nervy, inconsiderate and deceitful to purposely leave her Momma out of the loop and then act like I'm micro managing her (her words) to my boyfriend. How insensitive of her to do that considering my first daughter who would be 16 now was killed at her babysitters when she was 7 months old. (yes the babysitters boyfriend shook and slammed her and got manslaughter for it). Doesn't she know I'm going to be extra protective this time around? Would she really want me to just be cool with whatever going on and not say anything? My own mother would never pull crap like this. I feel like you have to set a clear boundary with those who push boundaries. And pushing boundaries with my baby is not cool at all!!! I'm just glad my boyfriend and me are on the same page and in agreement on the issue.

  • Wow - you have been through a lot. That makes it even more ridiculous that she would go pull something like this. I'm glad you and your boyfriend are in agreement on this. You are doing what is best for your daughter. Hugs to you. 

  • Wow! So sorry about your past.. heartbreaking. Knowing that information, I can't believe that you have been as calm about this situation as you have. I think you and your boyfriend are taking the right approach. You are not required to rationalize anything to anyone regarding your daughter. Thanks for sharing your story.