Left while pregnant

  • Everything seemed to start great. He was wonderful. Then he cheated, ran to an old girlfriend who has her own children. He's willing to be a father to them, live with them, thinks he'll have plenty of time to devote to ours (even with the plan to care for her children), and keeps saying we can't work it out in any possible way. We ended mutually but (call me crazy), I'm still willing to work it out (12 year relationship and I did plenty bab myself!). Leaving the forum open, any moms and dads have any opinions, suggestions, thoughts? Anyone having to do it on their own?

  • I understand where you're at.  My ex-husband and I weren't in a relationship for that long, but it was still tough for him to leave when I was 4 and a half months pregnant with my daughter.  He also left to be with another woman and played the father figure for her child.  For awhile I wanted him to come back around so that we could be a happy family, but as time went by I decided that I was better off without him.  He was a complete loser anyway, I won't go into detail because that'll turn this message into a book.

    Anyway after my daughter was born he came for occasional supervised visits.  He showed up a total of 10 times in the first year.  When we finally got to go to court to establish something permanent he volunteered to give up all visitation rights and I accepted.  This is a case where my daughter (almost 4 now) is better off not having a father figure at all.  Luckily, we have a stable man in our life now and we're expecting another child in June.

    I don't really know that much about your situation, but I believe that if you keep hoping he'll come back you might cause yourself more heartache in the long run.  Sometimes you are better off without a man, I raised my daughter without one for over 3 years.  Also, just because you two aren't together there is no reason why he shouldn't be involved in your child's life IF he is a good father and a good role model.  I'd say it's a good idea to try to keep him involved in the pregnancy, but maybe to step back and take a good look at the relationship aspect of things.  Good luck and I hope that everything works out well for you.

  • My daughter was a surprise to me and the SD (sperm donor, I refuse to call him a dad/father as you earn those titles IMO) who thought he was sterile. A couple of drinks, a forgotton condom, and a month later we found out he was very wrong (can't blame him for the forgetting as he never mentioned thinking he was sterile until after I found out I was pregnant so it's not like he tried to use it to manipulate me into condom-free sex) when I took a home test because I was late. He hadn't been involved since day one and even went so far as to tell me that he'd give me all the support (emotional and monetary) I needed if I would get rid of my child through either adoption or abortion but that if I kept her then my mistakes were my own.

    So now I am the single mother of a beautiful baby girl that I wouldn't give up for all the money in the world. As for he SD I looked into things around here and found out that all I had to do to negate his "rights" was to not put him on the birth certificate. Now if he up and decides he wants to see her I can slam the door in his face and if he goes to court he has to foot the entire bill for the lawyers and the DNA testing to prove paternity and I can nail him to the wall for back support (or just get the judge to further negate his rights due to "extreme indifference") before he could see her at all. He's the sort that won't spend that kind of money or energy so I don't have to worry about him showing up on my doorstep which is better for Peyton and I, IMO.

    As for male role models she had grandfathers and uncles that are going to love and spoil her rotton lol. She won't lack for a male presence in her life even if that presence is her Papa's instead of a Daddy.

  • Thank you, I will take this time to focus on my child and review our relationship. Maybe this is a time where he really needs to grow up. Or, maybe we really don't belong together. Sad to think, but I guess its better to consider it now than when the baby is here, or older.

  • Speaking as a father, if he doesn't want (not willing - but want) to be a father in your family. Dont let him! He doesnt deserve a place in your life if he doesn't want to be their, to care and love and raise his own child - not to mention the mother of his child. Find out about your legal rights and how you can control his access to your child from the start. If he wants back into your lives later, let it be at your discretion don't leave him a way to force himself back in.

    I agree: Dad's earn their titles, he isn't a dad he's just a dud.

  • Strongdad- AMEN!

  • I so sympathize with your situation, Preggy! Though I didn't leave my husband until our daughter was 10 months old, I may as well have gone through the pregnancy alone. It took having her and knowing the responsibility I had for making her life as good as it could be to admit to myself that my relationship with my husband was not good. Though being a single mom was tough, it motivated me to get my life back on track and has led me to an infinitely better place.

    That said, it took me a good six months before I actually filed for divorce. I kept thinking that we could work it out or he would change, yadda yadda. It took one fight to negate all of the soft words and other BS he had been giving me for months. It showed me that change was not going to happen. That was my deciding point. I knew then that I had to make the break permanent.

    This is a very emotional time for you and having to deal with this added stress is not something you should have to go through. My advice is to lean on those who love and support you right now in making this decision, and afterward. Try not to depend on emotions, but on what you think will be best for you and your baby. If your relationship with your partner isn't strong, that trickles down to the kids. Ask yourself if the home you want to provide your baby really includes this man and all of the baggage he brings.

    In the end, nothing is set in stone and life can often bring you to unexpected places. Keep an open mind and heart.

  • been a dad is just a blessing and i can understand why other guys just choose to be other kids dad just because their mommy look good and for get about his own, to me that is a no no, and i do agree we strong dad.

    but also im the kind of person that will give second chances, so if is in you to take him back and give it a try do it.

    still the fact that he took off from you and your baby is just wrong, so good luck and i hope you make the right decision.

  • StrongDad07

    Speaking as a father, if he doesn't want (not willing - but want) to be a father in your family. Dont let him! He doesnt deserve a place in your life if he doesn't want to be their, to care and love and raise his own child - not to mention the mother of his child. Find out about your legal rights and how you can control his access to your child from the start. If he wants back into your lives later, let it be at your discretion don't leave him a way to force himself back in.

    I agree: Dad's earn their titles, he isn't a dad he's just a dud.

    I don't know about anywhere else but in my state, if he's not on the birth certificate (if you're not married, it's different if you're married) then he has no rights at all. Legally speaking my daughter simply doesn't have a father. If, down the road, he all the sudden decides he wants to play daddy then he is the one that has to pay the court fees and the testing fees to have the DNA drawn and prove paternity. Even that doesn't gaurantee him rights since I'd be able to show extreme indifference (which here is a legal method of having a parents rights revoked) and could nail him with back child support before he could see her as well.

    Like I said, the rules are different if you were married and that's just how it works here. I have no clue how paternity works in any other state but my own.

  • Daddy rights are really something that differs from state to state, which can make navigating this issue confusing. It's a shame that it has to come down to these types of things, like involving the courts in our children's lives, but overall the child's best interests are at the heart of most of these laws.

    I believe that in my state, you don't have to be married or on the birth cert to be able to claim parental rights (though I could be mistaken). They're really big on trying to make sure both parents areresponsible for contributing at least financially to their child, and makes it hard to get sole custody of a child unless cricumstances are extreme, like PeytonsMama said. They want to make the playing field level for both moms and dads. Whether or not that works out in reality remains to be seen.

  • Peytonsmommy i know my daughter has a sperm donor too, not a dad in any way. I completely agree with you my precious daughter is my whole world one day they WILL wish they were better men. but hey girl we can do it.
  • Thanks for all the feedback. I realize that if he does not want to be involved, or felt our relationship was not satifying, then maybe its just better we are not together. I took the advice of the posters and found that in my state he has to access the courts. We are not married but wants to be on the certificate (more cultural reasons than legal). Either way he would have to go through the courts. If he was not on the certificate, but wanted parential rights, he could still get them through the courts. So it doesn't matter if he is on the certificate or not. The courts are still needed. If any part of him remains decent, then we can work it out between us, if not, then the courts can decide. As it is, either way, I would be considered constodial until he sought for additional rights. Thanks again guys. It really helped to see I wasn't alone. I have friends who are supportive. Thank you again for the support.

  • jhdbljkfbadjkl
    Peytonsmommy i know my daughter has a sperm donor too, not a dad in any way. I completely agree with you my precious daughter is my whole world one day they WILL wish they were better men. but hey girl we can do it.

    Yes we absolutely can! Peyton won't lack for love in any way just because the SD isn't around. Between her Uncles and Grandfathers she'll have plenty of male influences in her life and lots of guys to spoil her lol.

  • preggycher, I'm glad you looked into it and are prepared now regardless of how things turn out with him. At least you're armed with knowledge in case you ever need it, or meet anyone else who could benefit from it.

    peytonsmom, I'll second that. There are many great ways to have a solid male influence in a childs life (not that one is always necessary though).

  • Okay first off my child does have strong male roles in her life. As of right now her grandfather is playing with her. I do not appreciate you judging my child and our life because we are just fine without men. Maybe you cannot understand this because you are not a single mother, she has plenty of strong role models in her life, me being one of them. I think you owe me and my beautiful daughter an apology not only for this post because this is not the only post you have put me down in. This is not a place for the negative rather than a place for everyones opinion and I do not believe any one should be put down because no one here knows everyones story.