husbands negativity

  • My husband has been great with our son.  He has been very helpful, most of the time.  Sometimes he makes excuses of why he can't help with the baby, but I know he just needs "daddy time".  Our son is 3 months old now and every once in a while my husband likes to put me down, and I know he doesn't mean it.  It usually happens at night, so we go to bed mad, and the next morning he doesn't talk to me.  When he gets home from work, its like nothing ever happened.  He doesn't appoligize for what he said.  I am not sure what to do.  I try to ignore him, like I used to (before I got pregnant), but now I just can't seem to keep my mouth shut.  We argue more and more now.  Maybe its because we aren't traveling like he used to be able to.  Maybe he isn't sure how to get used to our new lifestyle?  Any suggestions on how to play this game, so it plays itself out and neither of us get our feelings hurt anymore??

  • My husband and I REALLY started letting each other have it when Vivienne was almost three months old.  We got into HUGE screaming matches!  Called each other terrible names and would go without speaking for hours. 

    I finally told him I wouldn't play that anymore.  It is not productive or healthy for anyone and a terrible way to start teaching a little one how to communicate.  Now when he starts to get loud or get mad at me I say very softly and matter of factly, "I will not indulge your tantrum, when you want to talk to me let me know." and I walk out of the room.  He usually comes around a few minutes later and apologizes.

    I did have to explain to him that he hurts my feelings and also that WE should start communicating now, how we would like to teach our child to in the future.  It is never too early to lead by example and if you guys can change this pattern now while he is little it will be easier to continue it when he is two or three and needs discipline.

    As far as your husband putting you down goes, I would not stand for it.  You could try using a gesture   (not the finger!) to do when you feel he has put you down.  Say or do it right when it happens and that will make him SEE that he has hurt you.  Men are ruled much less by their emotions so saying "you hurt my feelings" may lead to another argument, but seeing your hand go up in a "STOP!" kind of motion, will show him...he's crossed the line.  Then leave the room until he calms down, then TELL HIM HE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY!

    There are lots of changes going on and how we work through them seperately is important to how we work through them together.  Simply ignoring a situations will never bring change.

    Hope it gets better!

    ~Jules

  • My husband and I started getting into HUGE blow outs after we had Vivienne.   I finally told him that I wouldn't indulge his tantrums and if he couldn't speak to me nicely he couldn't speak to me at all.   As far as your husband putting you down goes, a good way to combat that is to come up with a hand signal to use during arguments or whenever he does it.   Men are ruled much less by their emotions, so being able to SEE that he's hurt your feelings may help him realize how often he really does.  Just put up your hand in a "STOP" kind of motion and walk away, don't indulge.  TELL HIM HE OWES YOU AN APOLOGY and when you get it, continue the conversation (not a fight).

    Ignoring a problem will not make it better, ever.  Addressing a situation with calm, rational behavior is always the best solution and if it means walking away from it for a minute, then that is what you should do.  Just be sure husband knows that is what you are doing and that he needs to be that way as well.

    It is very important that you learn to communicate better now than when your child is two.   

  • It has been my experience that whenever husbands starts to get a bit snippy or hurtful, they are usually feeling insecure about something. Are things going well at work for him? Is he stressed out about your new lifestyle and becoming a father? Maybe he is jealous of the attention the baby gets? In any event...these things do not excuse his behavior but they may help to identify the true problem. When you are not mad at each other...you need to sit him down and talk about what is really going on. You need to establish rules about fighting and how it makes you feel. He needs to learn how to talk to you instead of just picking a fight. If you work through this now, you can avoid years of hurt feelings and resentment. If you still can't get to the bottom of it, you may need to talk to a counselor.
  • My husband got upset when I woke him up to feed the baby at 6am on a Saturday.  He's off on weekends and I just need him to feed our son so I can sleep in a little bit.  Now, he's not talking to me like he used to.  He would just answer my questions but its not the same as before.  I miss him terribly and I cry every night.  What's worst is he started sleeping in the sofa downstairs.  He doesn't help me feed the baby at night anymore and Its sad that we can't communicate.  I sometimes don't know how to talk to him because he would just stay quiet or just leave.  I sure don't want to make things worse by getting him more mad at me.  I know he gets tired from work so I only ask him to feed the baby one time at night so i could get some rest too.

    Now, we just tolerate each other.  He watches our baby when I ask him to.  I wish he would help out more when he's off from work but he would do something else around the house to keep him busy.  I feel so bad for our baby, he deserves more attention from his Daddy.  He loves our baby  so much and I know it in my heart.

    I hope it will get better for the two of us.