Dad Barely Involved

  • My husband is is like that too only except for the laptop its video games :( i m a stay at home mom too i do the cooking the cleaning, the laundry and take care of our little girl he used to come home hold her for 5 minits and give her back to me and he thought his fatherly duties were done. I had to have SEVERAL talks to him before he finally got the message. i had to end up putting my foot down and making him listen before he got better with her and there is still lots and lots of room for improvement. Its like they just dont understand what we do all day long and with them they think that their job ends when they get off work they dont get that our job dont end we work day and night 24 7. He hasnt done a night shift in 4 months !! and the sad thing is that he cant afford not to start a good father daughter relationship with her because he is a trucker and in the summer he is gone for 1 to 2 weeks at a time. it is very frustrating and all i can tell you is to hang in there alot of men just dont do well with young babies but they get alot better when they start talking.

  • I am new to the website and all and was hoping that I wasn't the only one out there that was having problems with getting their husband to help out with the baby. My husband is like several other that have been mentioned its video games almost all the time. I can understand why he plays them cuz his is in the military so he is able to relive some of the stress that he has from work on it but at the same time it makes me furstrated when I was him to do something simple as to just feed him or burp him or something for a few minutes so i can go get something else done and he says in just a minute or wait till the match is done and it never happens. I have talked to him about it several times and talked to a friend about it because she had the same issue with her husband- were both military, husbands at least- and by the time her son was 6 months she would hand her son off to him to care for him so she could go to the store or somthing and he would scream a lot cuz he didnt know him. i'm afraid my son will do the same as my husband has been the same way. he will help only when i ask him and he will help only if he has too. when i have talked with him he says he knows he need to help more and to spend more time with him, which he does like that day and maybe the following day but after that its back to the same old routine, with me doing basically everything. i have thought about disconnecting my husbands xbox so he cant play it but i know that wouldnt end up well but other than that iam not sure how to get him off the xbox and start helping me out and helping with the baby or just giving me some attention when the baby is asleep. it seems that most of his waking hours are spent on the xbox when he is not at work. anyone have any advice as to what i might try or how to handle this situtation?

  • This situation is obviously complicated.

    What was your husband like before the baby? Chances are, he is not going to change a lot in the beginning. When the baby begins to react and play, and especially when baby begins to eat and share books, your husband will begin to take a greater share of the load.

    One way to speed up the process is ask your husband to spend some alone time with baby. Not only will this allow him some bonding time, but he will understand, if only for a few hours, what it takes to take care of your child. That might make him more appreciative of what you do everyday.

    Mostly, try to be patient! He'll come around.

     

  • My husband was amazing as we prepared for our baby, which was complicated because we had to conceive through ART (assisted reproductive technology).  Clearly we planned for it and went through what seemed like an eternity to conceive our now beautiful and loving 2 month old son, Andy.  Throughout my pregnancy he was amazingly helpful and very loving, sweet, and my TEAM MATE.  As I said, Andy is now 2 months old and well, lets just say things are certainly NOT what I expected.  My team mate is not such a team player at this point.  He does work 9-10 hour days as a mechanic, but when he comes home it is as if his day has been so much longer and stressful than mine.  Andy has had some medical "stuff" come up which has lead me to the doctor and childrens hospital on several occasions with several more to come.  While the issues are correctable, it is heartbreaking that when a difficult time comes about, as it does every night, my "team mate" is kicking back in his recliner and hands Andy over to me to comfort him.  Sure, he will feed him and love him, but is very quick to hand him back over to me and say, "my back hurts, I am tired...blah blah blah".  Don't worry about the C-Section I had or the sometimes 2 or 3 times Andy wakes up throughout the night, or the fact that he would rather not nap during the day. 

    Now it has come to a head...I am home on 4th of July weekend ALONE.  I spent all day between my often clingy (which is in cuddly lovey way) baby and trying to get food into my stomach, and packing for our first weekend away with Andy only to have us have an argument about something ridiculous and my husband decided he needed to go away for the night by himself to get "alone time".  This is the second time he has done this since Andy and I came home from the hospital 9 weeks ago. 

    I am going back to work at the end of August and I will certainly need more help.  Right now, not only am I a stay at home mom, but I am CINDERELLA...cooking, cleaning, driving to my mothers to do laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I am feeling very unappreciated and unsupported.  I provide opportunities for daddy to spend time with Andy, but it is usually to do errands...once to go to dinner with a girl friend...and as soon as I get home he needs a break.  A BREAK!!  I haven't had a break for almost a year nor do I expect one. I am too in love and committed to my son...I just don't know if his dad is.

    I am heartbroken and so in love with both of my guys.  I don't know if we are going to recover if he continues to need 'alone time' and takes off for a night here and there.  I want my husband, best friend, and daddy back.  I am being as patient as possible, but when I start dreaming of a being able to pop a valium from time to time, it concerns me! 

  • Hi, I’m responding to Lola’s thread here.  It sounds like you really need help, Lola.   I haven’t been in exactly the same situation, but we have in common the fact that the husbands work long hours and that they tended to avoid the baby.  In fact, my husband when he got home from work in the first few months, would walk through the sitting room where the baby was in his pack-n-play and NOT EVEN LOOK IN at his own baby, after being away the whole day! It broke my heart.  Now he is a wonderful husband and father (when  the baby became more interactive).   

    I’m going to offer a few suggestions, but I’m really hoping we can hear more from other people.   Also, you may want to consider copying and pasting your thread into a new post, I think you’d get a lot more responses that way. 

    Anyhow, about your problem.   I have some suggestions.  1.  Sounds like your husband may be missing out on time with just you.  Your mom seems to be within driving distance.  Get her to babysit one evening (or weekend lunchtime), and you and your husband go out to a meal.  Seems like a lot to organize, but worth it.  2.  If there is some family activity you can think of for the 3 of you, do it (like going to an animal park or zoo – you don’t need to spend as long there as you did pre-kids if you don’t want to!).  Tell him it’s a surprise, it won’t take up a whole lot of the day, and that he’ll have fun!  (Just pick something he would have enjoyed  pre-kids).  I did this with my husband (OK I did it when the baby was older, it was a lot easier to organize), I took them one Saturday to a go-kart track/arcade game center (we both love those), put baby in stroller, had my husband go on go-karts while I watched with baby, and then we both played air hockey and car racing games with the stroller right next to us.  It kind of helped ‘show’ him that we could still have fun with a baby along.  3.  Tell your husband you’ve noticed he’s having a rough time, and tell him that you are too (translate to job terms, inform him the night-time feedings are like responding to say 3 half-hour call-outs at nights, on top of doing the full-time day job of the baby).  Acknowledge that having a baby is a lot more work than either of you might have expected.  Ask what is wrong for him, is it the baby, or is it his job, or something else?  Sometimes I’ll ask my husband “what can I do today to make things better for you?”  - surprisingly, that one stumps him!  it often makes him AND me realize that his gripe is not with me or the baby, it’s been about other stuff.  Then we feel like we are on the same team.  Of course, it’s possible your husband might ask you to cook him a 3 course meal so be careful about using that question!  4.  Whenever he does hang out with Andy, praise him for something specific that you’ve noticed, like, wow, you are so good at getting him to take his bottle. 

    Well, like I say my situation had some similarities but wasn’t exactly like yours so I hope I have been of help with the suggestions but it’s hard to know.  My husband mainly just did a whole lot better once the baby got more interactive, so our situation just took time.

     

  • Ver_C...Your response to my post was so thought provoking and helpful.  I know I need to relinquish some control when it comes to the baby and engage more in my husband and his "world" outside of his family at home!  I really appreciate your suggestions, and I will post it in its own thread to see what others have to say, but again, I am grateful for your thoughts and support.  Lola Smile