lost and dont know what to do.

  • hello, first all i dont know if this the right place to ask this but after looking around i end up here hoping that some one has gone thru this or i can get some opinions of what could i do.

    like i say im way lost and dont know what to do, im a father of a 4 month old baby girl, she is my first baby i mean by blood, i also have a 7 year old that i adopt, my problem is this my 4 month old baby mom has take it up to her to do everything, and i feel that little by little i have been push away, for one she is way younger than me im 33 she is 19, our baby was no a mistake, we want her and talk about it, we had lost of problems due to family and other things, yes im not mr right and i argue with her alot plus we were having some money problems, so she move out to live with her family, every since then things start falling apart, all of this was for 11 months, during her pregnancy i try to do as much i could and i was alowed by her and her family, i show up in every doctor apt, i when with her to the pregnancy classes and yes i was there for the birth, well for all this time i have try to get back with her but i had no luck, now things are worse she dont even talk to me, i ask her about my baby and i dont get an aswer, i keep insinting on give it a try and have an oportunity to build a family were our baby can grow up and also give us a chance to fix our problems, i will say this she is a wonderful girl, very smart and pretty, like i say im not mr wonderful and i do many stupid things but i have never cheat on her, hit her or other things that will defenitly will take a chance to fix it, she just have turn her back at me and no matter what i do or how i do it it dont change, i love her and i wish we can have a chance, the same way i want to be part of my baby girl no es the dad that go every other day to see her but the dad that is there 24/7 to take care of her adn help in any aspect, i know she is going thru a hard time with the baby because she is to attach to her, she dont sleep and she just cry all time, i just want to be there to help.

    i also have the feeling that other people is telling her to do things in a diferent way and not to let this have a chance, also believe that one day she just will tell me that she move to and othe place, i mean out of state and that sincerely will just kill me.

    we also have talk about going to court, but honestly i dont want to do that, for one i dont want to put my baby girl thru it and i dont want to completely ruin my relationship with her, you know i still have a hope that she may change and let us try.

    like i say im way lost and dont know what to do,,,,, help !!! please.....Sad

  • Sounds like you have a lot going on. Have you considered couples counseling? In my experience, communication is at the root of most of these types of problems. Either one person doesn't want to hear what the other is saying or it's hard to express what is really going on inside. While you may be able and willing to talk, she may not, and when you have a situation like that, you really need to have someone else step in and try to open the lines of communication.

    There may also be some emotional issues on your girlfriend's side, especially after having a baby. I remember being 20 and not really trusting my husband to be around my daughter. My protective instincts were on high alert because she was so small and I just didn't trust anyone but myself to care for her. She may also be suffering from some post-partum depression. There's another thread on this board you might want to check out.

    I think the important thing to remember is that no matter what issues are going on with you and your girl, there is a child involved and there always will be. But you have to put your relationship first so that you have a strong home and family in which to bring up your child. You may be hesitant to seek out counseling, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It may end up saving your relationship.

    Take this for example. In the county I live in, whenever divorce proceedings are started and there is a child involved, the court makes going to mediation mandatory. This is designed to keep the in-court custody battles down to a minimum, but also gives the couple a free way to have an impartial third party hear each side of the story and see if compromises can be made. It's kind of mandatory counseling for couples.

    Again, these are just my thoughts. I divorced my first husband when our daughter was 10 months old. It was just a bad relationship and counseling and mediation did not work for us. Sometimes calling it quits is the only thing you can do. But I think everyone should at least try to salvage what brought them together to begin with. People always think they can't change. I disagree with that. I am a completely different person than I was when I had my first child. You just have to be open and willing to take an honest look at your life, recognize what's working and what's not, and then make changes that are best for you and your family.

    Also, I don't know if you're married or not, but even if you're not, you may want to look into what your parental rights are. If your girl is thinking baout moving out of state and court proceedings, knowing what's allowed under the law and what's not is very important.

  • thank you for your comments, i know what you are saying i dont have problem seeking counseling along it help to fix it im whiling to do anything, but to that there is a problem her family is not going to let it happend, they dont like me at all, but i have been whiling to do anything to fix everything, she at this point is just not even listening, we are not marry and i have been looking around for imformation abot my rights as a father, like i say i just hope that everything change.

    thank you.

  • I agree with everything writemommy has said. She makes many great points. Welcome to the message boards. Please feel free to stick around and chat.

  • There's only so much you can do if the other person in your relationship isn't willing to communicate. Definitely find out what your rights are in your state as a father and take each day and issue as it comes. Hope for the best!

  • I'm going to be honest if you have taken all the steps you can already, such as:

    Spoken directly, politely, and openly, with your girlfriend about how you feel and she still is not willing to let you be a part of you daughter's life... Then I would speak with a lawyer.

    I think most of us feel that same love, desire to be there, to help, to want to do everything we can to be a part of our children's lives. If I were you I would look into what rights you have as a her father and see about enforcing them if your girlfriend isn't willing to let you be a part of her life otherwise. You have a right to be her father, and if you want to be there for her you should be allowed to.

  • thank you all for your comments, yes i have look into what my rights as father are, all involve a court, and like i say i dont want to do that just yet, like i say i dont want to put my baby thru it and make things even worse between her and me, as right now im trying to find a way to get things work out, see like going to see counseling is a really good idea the problem is that her family will no alow her to even leave the house with me.

    so i guess i will see what happpend and see if a miracle happened, if not well i guess i will have to use the last thing that will be available.

    thanks to all once again.


  • It almost sounds like a) she's having second thoughts on being in a relationship with you or b) her family won't allow you to be together probably because of the obvious age gap.  I was with my ex whom I left because he cheated, but it was a similar situation, sortof, he is 7 years older than me with 3 children of his own outside of our son.  He up and decided after he started cheating that he didn't know if he loved me.  That was my answer I knew that he didn't so I left.  My family was mixed, I stopped talking to some others forgave, but realize it may not be her choice.  Remind her that she is 19 a legal adult.  But she may be afraid to have anything to do with you if her family is threatening to disown her or something along those lines.  Realistically her family has no say over that child, its yours and hers, but keep in mind she probably needs her family and if the threats or whatever it actually is are too much for her she will stay and obey whatever they say and you will get the shit end of the stick.  but for your daughters sake know your rights, and speak to a lawyer, even if only for a consultation. good luck. sorry if I sounded brutal but I take things for face value and out of what you've posted thats what it sounds like to me.