dad barley involved

  • Me and my boyfriend have a 3month old and at first he was very willing to help out with everything. He even admitted he was jealous when i BF because he couldnt help. Now 3 months later and i feel like a single parent. i do everything by myself. He wont even change a diaper. He does work long days in construction, but he only wants to be around our son when he is in a good mood. other than that he wants nothing to do with him.And i no since i dont have a job that he thinks the baby and the house are my responsibility.  I try to get him more involved saying hold him while i go do this.. but he will just lay him down and go do whatever he wants. One day i even pumped a bottle and gave our son to him. He was going good till the baby started crying and immediatly started to give him back.. i refused saying he could do it. He got so fusterated he took our baby, put him in his crib and shut the door. i was beyond mad. i couldnt believe that was his solution.

     i noticed he doesnt cuddle our baby like i do. now i dont no how i feel leaving them alone together. I have once and he said he just cryed the whole time, but they were waiting for me in a parking lot. I am honestly afraid if i leave them alone Brayden will be screaming his head off in his crib, while his father has the TV turned up high. i tryed to talk to my boyfriend but he plays the "i work all day" card "i just want to come home n relax" i have no idea what to do. even talking to him bout it makes him so angry, yet everyime i try to give them time he will call someone to babysit. iand honestly i am tired of doing everything by myself, i feel like a single parent but reality is im not.... please i need advice!!what do i do?

  • honestly i feel so bad he should be involved in your sons life! i dont know what i would do in this situation either b/c i know you want2 be with him and you want him to care for the baby like you do but at the sametime hes not being a good dad like he should...my b/f helps with the baby i do most of it but he still helps when i need it and he wants to hold him everyday and he works and i dont so thats not right he says he works all day and its ur job b/c thats not how it should be. my dad has been a brick mason his whole life but he still came home to his kids and showed us he was a part of our life and played with us and his job is very hard , your b/f should wan2 be a part of your sons life...he is going to need his dad at some point and your b/f should know that, and be there to help raise him. i culdnt ever imagine letting my son scream and cry and let him just sit there it kills me i wan2 cry just hearing him and i know you feel that way too, thats how it should be at least if you really love your baby more then anything. it really makes me sooooooo mad knowing that the father could just let his baby cry and cry. i think you and your son deserve better im sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear but there is people out there who will love your son like he's their own and treat him really good. my friend has a b/f and he treats her son like he's his kid and takes him places like chuckie cheese and you could have someeone care for your baby like this too i think you deserve it after reading that about the babys father and also your baby deserves to have a male figure in his life that wont sit him in a room to scream and cry. i would go crazy if that happened its sad and im sorry your dealing with this = ( i hope things get better for you and your baby keep your head up and keep being a good mom i know it has to be hard but your baby needs you

    ~alyssa

    ~Alyssa Rae~

  • Hi.  My husband also wasn’t very involved (often wouldn’t even look in at the baby after coming home from work), although your situation sounds way harder.  I think if it has got to the stage that you are not feeling 100% comfortable leaving your son and boyfriend together, maybe you could use some outside help, like a parenting program that your boyfriend could benefit from?  I’m not sure where to start, but maybe you could ask your pediatrician if your family could be referred to a program or counseling for this situation.  The pediatricians have a surprising amount of knowledge about stuff like that.   You could try simply talking with your husband about it, but I’m guessing you’ve already tried that?  A couple of things I noticed with me and my husband’s situation was that he tends to do better with looking after our son if I ask him to do a particular task because he is ‘good at it’ or because ‘the baby likes it when you do it’ instead of 'so I can deal with this other chore'.   Another thing I noticed is that my husband did better when he could see other ‘manly men’ looking after babies.  One evening we happened to have friends over for dinner who have a baby similar age.  The guy asked me about some bath-time problem he was having with his kid.  Well, to my surprise, the very next time I bathed my son, my husband wanted to be involved! I guess he realized the other guy was the main one of that couple bathing their kid, and so he saw that manly men do that stuff too. 

    Our situation just took time, once the baby was more interactive and could hold his head up, my husband became more involved.  But, like I say, your situation sounds quite a bit harder, because never at any stage did I ever feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable leaving them alone together.  So that’s why I’m thinking it could help for you to look into outside help like couples counseling or parenting program for your man.  But this is just my opinion – not knowing your man, I wouldn’t know how he would react to that.  Hopefully you will get more ideas from other peoples responses too.

  • It does often seem like fathers respond to their babies a bit differently than mothers do. When we first had our son, my husband spent more time mowing the yard and cleaning the garage than he did with our newborn. After a few stressfull weeks, I mentioned it to him and I was surprised when he said that he didn't really know what to do with him. Babies can seem overwhelming and frustrating to men because they can't convey what they need and some dads feel overwhelmed when they begin to cry. That feeling of helplessness makes them shy away from helping out with the baby more.

    If you haven't already, try talking to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel without blaming him. No doubt he loves his child, but probably is at a loss for how to spend time with him, bond and even help him. You may find that as the baby grows up, he finds more and more fun ways to interact.

    In the meantime, try encouraging him to help with bathtime, feedings or whatever needs to be done and make sure you notice when he does a good job. Let us know how things are going and hopefully you are all doing better!

  • If this is his first child, he may be feeling overwhelmed and confused. The thought of a baby arriving is so exciting to both parents, but when the baby actually arrives, things may change. The birth of a child always changes things, whether for the better or for the worse. Your baby is only 3 months old, so your boyfriend hasn't had ample time to adjust to this new situation. He was the number one person in your life and now that the baby is here, he may be feeling left out. I agree with the other advice that you should try to include him as much as possible with the baby; however, make special time for the two of you to spend alone so that he knows that you love him as much as you did, if not more, now that the baby has arrived. Counseling may help if all else fails. This is a time of adjustment and it may take a while, but he'll come around. Good luck!