Dad not involved

  • I have an almost 3 week old son. His father and I split up in July, before he moved out though he said that he would be involved in his sons life and there was no way anyone would stop that from happening. But his son is now going on 3 weeks old and I still have yet to hear from him. Im not sure if I should try to contact him or if I should just let it be. It breaks my heart that my son is not going to know his father, but Im starting also to feel that if he doesnt want to contact us that maybe our son is better off without him. I just dont know what to do about the situation. The father does have a new girlfriend so I dont know if that has something to do with him not contacting me about his son but if that is the reason it just makes it worse to think that a girl could make him turn his back on his son. His family is always questioning if the baby is even his, they questioned it the whole time I was pregnant as well. I guess what I want is to hear is your thoughts on whether I should try to contact him myself or if I should wait to see if he is going to contact me?

    I just want to do what is best for my son.

  • Hi! You are not alone! My daughter is 4months old today and her dad has never met her. He broke up with me when I was 3 months pregnant, he was ecstatic when we found out that I was expecting but it did not keep him around. He told me the same thing, he was going to be there and to keep him "informed," well my daughter is important and if he cared at all he could ask, it was not my job to keep him "informed." I heard he got married and he was telling people that she is not his, but when word got back to him that she looked like him he flipped the story and said that I wouldn't allow him to see her. I have never denied him the right to see her despite all the lies and pain he put me through. It is not about me it is about my daughter now and even though I am saddened that she does not have a father in her life, the way that I look at it is, we will be happier in the end. She has so much love in her life and is surrounded by people that want to know her, we don't have time for the people who are irresponsible. I am sure you are doing an amazing job at being a mommy so keep up the good work. When he grows up be honest with him but don't bad mouth the father make it your son's choice when he gets older whether or not he wants any contact with his dad. My suggestion is DO NOT contact him, because then you will be stuck with the questions, why isn't he answering, what did I do, will he call/txt bk, did he change his number, what does he think about me? It has been 10 months and I am still struggling with wanting him in her life but everyday I get stronger and looking at her and seeing all that I have accomplished on my own, I know that I got the better end of the deal, I would do it all over in a heartbeat just to have her! Stay strong and do what is best for your son!

                          -Tiff-

  • Hey guys, My husband is still in the picture but is an extremely un involved father!! My man cub is 2 months and he barley wants anything to do with her.. it breaks my heart. we are constantly fighting over it and i feel like im pushing OUR son on him, this is really killing our marrage.. in a sense i feel like you guys are lucky :(  Dont worry im sure they are getting TONS of mommy affection!!!!!!!!!!

     

    Crystal

  • well in my opinion, just don't contact him take it from someone who has a beautifull daughter who is 3, her dad left the picture when i was 8 months pregnant, then medicaide made me find her dad, and to this day i regret having to find him, cuz during the rest of my pregnancy and untill she was 6 onths old he never called me, then i finally found him, but it wasn't till sh ewas a yaear old that the dna test proved him daddy, i knew she was his, but medicaide had to know for sure but anyway, to this day he really wants nothing to do with her, he only acts like he wants something to do with her if it will get him something in return, so if he really wants anything to do with his son, he'll call or show up, but untill then don't put urself through the pain of maybe finding him, then finding out he wants nothing to do with his son, it'll save you and ur son the heartach of him saying he wants nothing to do with him,

  • In response to the fathers that are not involved....I would just concentrate on being the best mother that you can be for your child. If and when the dads are ready to be involved, you can encourage them to be a part of their child's life, but if they do not want to be .....then there really is no way you can make them. Your children will be lucky if they get to know their fathers, but as long as they have a constant parent in you, they will not suffer if their dads do not step up to the plate.

    In regards to the daddy that is married and not involved...don't worry. Most men do not know what to do with infants until they are old enough to interact with. Read through some of the older posts here on the forum and you will find quite a few mommies complaining about their husband's lack of involvement. Encourage your husband to help out more with extra things around the house like dishes and laundry if he doesn't want to help out as much with the baby. Encourage him to hold the baby while you take a bath or while you catch up on emails. If he is like the majority of fathers here on the forum, he should start to take more of an interest in a afew months. Until then, try not to let it disrupt your marriage.

  • Congratulations on your son!!

    I know it's annoying sometimes to hear "I know what you're going through" because most of the time, no one can relate to the situation exactly, BUT I can! My daughter is 3 weeks old, and her father and I split up shortly after I told him I was pregnant, and he too moved (out of the state). He said all the same things about being involved and meeting his daughter but to this day keeps dragging his feet about if he will come meet her. You're better off avoiding the situation I am currently in, which is hearing from this man and all the excuses why he isn't taking responsibility for the child. If he knows that his child has been born, and has the information to contact you but has chosen not to... FORGET IT! It's much worse to hear daily excuses about where he is or why he is/isn't around. My daughters father has given me every reason in the book, even gone so far as to tell me that he has yet to meet his daugher because his "mother told him it wasn't a good idea." You are doing what is best for your son by protecting him from someone who could potentially hurt him by coming into his life and walking out. I know it's so very hard but that is what I think is best for US so maybe it will be best for you!

  • It sounds to me like this really bothers you and I think that it will continue to do so until you have some closure.  I would contact the dad and ask him directly whether he wants to be a part of his son's life or not.  It may be hard if he says "no" but at least you know the truth and can move on.  If he does say "no" then I think that he is a very sad man and is so missing out on something wonderful and  it is better for your son not to know him if he is not going to be consistent and a constant in his life. 

  • just call him. Do not try to pressure him but just let him know that you need some help. 

    he might think that you are doing just fine and don't need his help.

  • I am another example of having a child without the father being involved.  We broke up 2 months before I found out i was pregnant.  He wasn't involved or there for me my entire pregnancy and now my son is 2 months old.  I love my son.  I don't want someone to be in his life if they don't want to be.  You are capable of loving your child.  It is better to have your baby in a loving environment.  If you need help financially, then you should go to the court.  They would do a paternity test and then you would receive child support.  He should still be responsible for helping you raise your son!!!!  It is important.  I do not have that luxury - but I am happy to be raising him on my own and I have alot of support from friends and family.  I hope you do to.  he doesn't need love from a man that doesn't want to be there.  You and your family's love is worth more than anything in the world.  Focus on you and your son. 

  • I've been here too!  What I noticed- when I forced my ex-fiance to leave- my son changed completely.  He was happier, slept better, ate better.  The stress level in our environment dissappeared.....and so did all the unhappy baby issues! My son wouldn't sleep unless I was holding him...wouldn't eat for anyone unless he heard my voice, was constipated.....as soon as his dad was out of the picture my son's issues were gone w/ him

    My advice to any and all mothers experiencing daddy drama.......never let your emotions override your common sense.

  • Girl, I know what you are going through. I was with my baby's daddy for a year and a half. The first year of our relationship he abused me. It has left deep emotional scars on my mind and heart. I left him for a while and we got back together. When I was 3 months pregnant, I left him and moved back to my parents house. Less than one week later he was with someone else. It has hurt my heart so much that he has done this to me and his son.  I told him that I wanted him to be in his son's life as much as he wanted to and he still hasn't gotten a job or tried to help me in the ways I need like, getting me any thing for the baby, or giving me any money. In the end I think that we, as mothers, need to decide what kind of men we want as an influence in our son's llife. The influences in our baby's lives make them who they are.

  • As a single mother myself I have gone through the same situation. My baby's daddy has not helped me at all with our 19mos old daughter. I just recently found out I'm pregnant with our second daughter and he told me he wanted to be a family. About 2 weeks ago I found out he was cheating and I decided to leave. He has not helped me financially, emotionally, spiritually, or physically at all during this pregnancy nor my first daughters. My advice to you is to leave him be. He may not regret it today, tomorrow, or next year. But his day will come when he realizes he made no positive influence on his child nor did his purpose in life. You will have times you will cry your eyes out, and times you will hate with all that is evil, but you should realize that memories you made with your little one will be with you forever and you will never have the same regrets as he will! Be stronge girly!! There are sooo many out there like us!!

  • well im kind of new at this; this being mi first time an all but i am in the same boat with the father not talking and him not being around. Right now he is in jail and i have no clue how to get in touch with him at all bcuz it is hard to try to get information from the police office to try to get in touch with your baby's father .  so i really would say just to try to stay focus on you and your baby like  i am doing and hope for the best that he comes back around before the baby is too old to try to acknowlegde him to his father....

    best wishes

    Baby and MI

  • No one can tell you what is best for your son. My husband is very involved in my sons lives. He loves them as much as I do, but he had an absent father and wants to do everything different then he experienced as a child. I think knowing is better then wondering. If you try at least you can tell your son later down the road when he ask, and trust me he will ask, that you tried. And keep tabs on the dad as long as you can, as far as his where abouts, for your son if he wants to try and contact him later. Remember it's not just what is best for your son now, but what is best for him later down the road also. No matter what happens or what you decide to do you are always his mommy and he will always love you.

     

  • I wouldn't really know how it feels for a father not wanting to be involved in his sons life but if he has not contacted you it means that he doesnt want to be there for his son, or it could be that the new girlfriend is telling him that it could not be his just like his family was asking him if he was the father....it makes no sense why he could do this but its better off to just leave it and move on.