New Mom of Twins... Daddy's Frustrated

  • Hi Everyone.. So I am new to this site and new to being a mom. My babies (1boy and1girl) are two weeks old. Right from birth the kids jumped onto a 4 hour schedule. The nurses loved our kids because they weren't demanding at all in the nursery but when we got home, obviously they are growing and sometimes they are hungry now at 2hrs. They are bottle fed babies so if I or my husband is sleeping, we both get up and feed them. This lasted the week my husband was off work and then it was all up to me to take care of the night time feedings. I have survived thus far! However, now that its the weekend, I EXPECT my husband to get up with me. Its only two nites that he has to help. I figured, fair enough. Last nite, he ignored my every attempt to get him to wake up. And before that, when our son was crying for a bottle he just looked at him and said "I can't stand all this crying". I tried to calm him and let him know that he was just hungry and wanted to be held. After that, I found my husband outside and what appeared to me is that he was shedding a few tears for being frustrated. I tried talking to him but was unsuccessful. How do I make him understand that it is frustrating but he doesn't even know the half of what I go through when I am alone at nite, 5 nites a week taking care of the babies and on top of that all day too, since he is working......

  • HI there-just remember that for some reason women have more patience than men do.  My son is now 7 months old, and I stayed home with him until he was 3 months old.  After I gave birth all I wanted to do was leave the house, just for a few moments, without having to take care of him.  I love my son, but I just needed a break.  My husband would ask why I could not take him with me.  Finally we had a sit down, and he explained to me that when babies are small and need constant care, that he was not very good with that.  He was afraid that he would mess up, and unlike me, had not learned how to block out the crying to try to stay calm and get the baby to calm down.  Now that my son is a little older and crawling, my husband has an easier time with him.  Ethan can sit up and do all the things that we would have to do for him before, and its easier for my husband to interact with him.  It is VERY frustrating when your partner does not help, and I complain about it all the time, but its also hard for men because we know what to do.  Its almost like its programmed in us, and they are walking into this blindly.  With my husband I tried to show him how to calm the baby down, or what certain cries meant, made him spend more time so he could understand what I did and what he needed to help me do, and he got a better understanding.  I had to show him that he was included, and not that he just had to jump in.  Babies are usually the area for women to shine, and for men to step back and let us do our thing.  With two babies, your husband has no clue where to even start helping.  its hard for him to jump in because if he does, he does not really know what to do or feel comfortable doing anything.  My suggestion would be to have him do one on one with each baby, get to learn more about them and then he might be able to help take care of them together.  As far as him jumping in and just helping so you can sleep-my mother told me that if this was my only child then I will sleep in 18 years...

  • Hi and CONGRATS on the babies! I am also a new mom of twins. I have two girls who will be three months old on the 2nd of Jan. Let me tell you, I feel your pain!! It has been a long (and wonderful) three months. It's hard for anyone to understand how long it takes to feed two babies, and how frustrating it can be to do it alone. Since I was off of work, and my husband was working full time I didn't ask him to get up at night. I was pulling day and night shifts all by myself. After awhile I was burnt out, and ready for his days off. The way It worked best for us was, on my husbands days off he still got up early and did the morning shift with the twins. He was used to getting up at 4am for work, so it was much easier for him to do that, then to try the night shift. I also took advantage of times that he was just watching football or T.V and left the twins in the living room with him and I took a nap. My husband was trying to be understanding, but he was also working so much that he was so tired by the time he got home. I almost felt guilty to tell him how tired I was or that I needed a break. DON'T make that mistake! Having twins is really hard on your marriage in the begining. We had to learn how to communicate to each other all over again. I couldn't be super mom, and he had to take some of the load with the twins. You need a break EVERYDAY! even if it is just for a shower, you need to know that even though both babies are crying at you, there is somebody who is going to relieve you.

    Good luck on your months ahead. I promise it does get better. My girls just started sleeping for 6 hours at night, and sometimes even more!!

  • I am a mom of girl boy twins that are now nine months old. Our twins were in the hospital for about eleven weeks, by the time they finally came home we were so happy. My husband had his moments but was so helpful and good with the babies. I asked him what advice he would give your husband and he said well the only thing I would say is maybe give him some time, but get some help. See if someone can come and help a few hours a day or something to get some sleep so that you don't suffer. I know that is easier said than done, but you can't do it by yourself. It will be ok for a while but then you will shut down or break down what ever you want to say. Then you will be no good to anyone. He also said that pushing him or venting on him will probably only make things worse.  I hope that he comes around because without my husband I wouldn't have made it through.

  • It's a little frustrating in the beginning...but it get's better after he bonds with the baby's.  My B/G twins are 6 years old now.  We were pretty young when they arrived.  I pretty much did all the work until they were 8 months old.  Since dh was young and dumb...I ended up kicking him out until he decided to be the father they needed.  Nights were tough...  People say you shouldn't prop the bottle up with blankets or whatever...but let me tell you, when your 2 hands short, you do what you can.  My twins were on the same schedual from day one.  They didn't start sleeping through the night (5 hrs) until they were 2 months old. 

    We talked about the way dh felt... it takes longer for men to bond with the baby's and believe it or not they get jealous too...  I know you are drained and it will get better after about a month or so, but you need to pamper your husband as well. 

    I just had my 4th baby (he's just over 4 weeks old) and dh has finally learned to be paitent.  He knows how tired and how much I do.  I still cook and clean and take care of the other 3 kids along with showing him affection.  Every little bit helps. 

    Well, I feel like I am rambiling now... going to stop typing...

     

    Mom to

    Gabriella Elena and Thomas Matthew - 8/22/03

    Joanna Giselle - 3/2/07

    Benjamin James - 12/3/09

     

  • I feel your pain!!! I have twins also an its 1boy an 1 girl. But mine started on a feeding schedule an then quit. I expected my boyfriend to get up an help me at night also but it didn't happen. I work an so does he. He works during the day an i work in the evening. So trust me i know what you are going through!! But my babies are now getting ready to be 7 months old. As they get older it will get a lot easier. I used to cry at times because it was to frustrating. The crying from the twins was a problem for a little while a then i figured out what each cry meant, and you will do the same as the months go on. An if u have someone that could come help you during the day it would b great! My mom helps me out an it makes things so much easier. Having twins is a very big job. An trying to make your husband understand what your going through is a task at hand. Try sitting down with him an talking. I did that with my boyfriend an i final got through to him. It took a few times but it worked. He helps me at night now an everything. My twins still don't sleep through the night yet, so when 1 wakes up crying they both are awake. An all we do is change their diaper an give them a bottle an they go right back to sleep. But gosh i wish they did sleep all night. But trust me things will work out an i'm sure he will start helping you....

  • I am sorry you are going through this, my wife and I just had twins as well December 23, a boy and a girl. We both work together at feeding time, diaper changes and the crying. We tried just one of us taking care of the babies at night and let the other sleep, however we found out that by the time you changed the diaper, got the bottle ready fed and burped the babies, it was time to start all over again. So we decided to team up and each take one all night. Yes it makes it rough the next day at work, but with twins it is hard for one person to keep up.There are times one of us will be so tired that we sleep through a feeding, but the other one is there to pick up the slack. I am not sure how you can get your husband involved, maybe sit down and explain to him that when he did help that first week, how much time was involed, maybe ask if he would just take care of them for a few hours when he gets home from work so you are able to get some rest and on the weekends, if he refuses to do the midnight feedings, ask him if he would at least take care of them throughout the day. Either way you look at it, these are his babies too and it is his responsibility to help take care of them.