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I am trying, but having a hard time keeping my eye off of the way my husband is with our three month old. I am with her most of the time so I know her cries and needs, and tend to jump in when he is with her and she won't stop crying. I do this because she calms down immediately when I have her, but I know he needs to learn to soothe her on his own and she needs to get more used to him when she is upset as well. However, dad tends to soothe her cries using the "easy way out" method. His two methods are putting her in the swing so she falls asleep or sitting her up in his lap towards the t.v. I feel like I am constantly bitching at him and it's getting old. I am biting my tongue more, but it's definitely difficult. I feel like he has little patience. How does one communicate without making their partner feel like he/she is being attacked?
There is no way sadly. My husband is the same he really wants nothing to with with our baby. Its hard expecially if this is your first or so I am told :)
First off I know where your coming from I was in the same boat and did the exact same thing at first. Yes it's true us moms will always be able to soothe our babies faster but most of that is not due to skill. Babies can pick their own mothers unique smell out of a line up of women, think about it they have been inside us for 9 months and in the beginning we are there primary caregivers and tend to their every need so that smell that they are accustomed to is very comforting. It also makes us very protective over them. It's extremely hard to hear our little ones cry and you are doing the right thing to include your partner. You are also very right that you need to communicate with your partner. In regards to that you need to start out with baby steps. Have him hold her when shes not in a bad mood (doesn't have to be long many men are uncomfortable at first due to the fact that they think they are going to break her) or have him read her a story when shes awake or asleep. do the little things to help him strengthen that bond with her. This way later on when she is upset he will be more apt to want to help out and soothe her. Also don't expect him to hold her the whole time shes upset at first men take time. do encourage him to hold her though even if only for a minute or two before he hands he back to you. You two can even hold her together (one big family cuddle if you will) you can say things like aww hunny she misses you or she wants a hug or you to hold her for a little bit stuff like that if he is unsure of how to hold her show say things like she loves when you hold her like this...etc. always try and word it positively (I know its hard to bite your tongue but it will pay off in the long run...because deep down men want to be included but most of the time they just don't know how to be included or they may not know how to do it so they dont even try for fear of making a mistake with such precious cargo) The thing is in the long run they will regret it because they do grow up so fast before you know it she''l be driving a car. Anyway keep trying, stay positive, and always keep the lines of communication with your partner open find out how he feels and make sure he hears how your feeling as well just be sure to stay positive. Good luck and congrats on the little one
Mommies will always be able to soothe their babies easier and faster than dads....we just have more experience and we already have formed a bond with our babies from the 9 months of carrying them!!! But you are right...your husband will never learn how to soothe her and she will never become comfortable with him unless you let them spend time together...WITHOUT you. As hard as this is, your husband will do things differently from you .....he will calm her differently, hold her differently, feed her differently and even dress her differently, but ultimately this is okay. What matters is that HE is doing it and learning. As long as your baby is safe, it is okay if he calms her by putting her in the swing...he is learning and as they learn each other together, his skills will improve all on their own. Try your best to be supportive of his time with her and try not to criticize too much. This will only drive a wedge between them and between you and him.
If you simply can't stand to watch your husband do things differently...try going out for a little while. Go out to lunch with a friend or run an errand by yourself. You might be surprised as to how well they do without you. When my oldest was born, my husband was clueless about what to do with him. By the time I went back to work at 12 weeks, it wasn't much better because I hovered the whole time and didn't let him figure anything out. BUT when I went back to work , I had no choice and my husband had no choice but to figure things out...
Surprisingly things went well....and my husband has even learned some great tricks all on his own!
Thanks for the tips. I really was starting to think there was no way to resolve and just let him be, I will try some of your advice and see what happens. I think I will go out and get a few books that are more father/daughter, maybe that will be of some help for him. I'm not going to force the reading, but will just let him know that the books are there for him if he ever wants to read to her. They can be their books. Thank you!
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