I think I need to vent and some advice

  • Hi everyone,

    First I would like to say congrats to everyone who is expecting, and good luck to us who get to enjoy the long hot summer. So I don't normally complain and I hate to talk bad about people but I need to right now. I'm 27 just about 28 weeks and this will be my first baby, except for one I lost three months before I became pregnant again. I was 15 weeks when I lost the other baby. The father of this baby and the last baby is the same but I don't know why I got pregnant this time around when the first time all me and him did was argue. He promised it would be better this time but it's not. So I moved out of the place we had together and live at home with my parents. Anyway the reason we argue most the time is because right before we found out about this pregnancy we were living at a house that his parents had rented to us and they would stop by every now and then. They didn't like the fact that we were living together, because we are both from a Christian homes with parents on the church board, so they would raise the rent and try to discourage us all the time. Anyway one day his dad came in and was trying to talk to us he must have been having a hard day or something because what he had to say wasn't right in any kind of way. He told us “Don’t you think God took away your baby because of the way you guys live." He had more to say but after that I stormed off and packed my stuff to leave. The next month my baby's dad got us into a nice apartment I was really happy because it seemed things would be better like he promised. But even to this day and this happened in December his dad had never said Sorry. I haven’t gone to any family events with him and they ignore me at church like they don't even know me. So anyway I told my Baby's dad that his family will have no part in this baby's life unless his dad can say sorry to me. I've been saying this for 6 months now and all, my baby’s dad says is that I need to get over it and that his dad didn't mean it. So what I need advice on is; do I just get over it? Is it okay for me not to want them in my baby’s life? Like if his dad felt that way about a baby we lost how could he not feel the same about this one. I don't know I guess it's like they haven't seen me since Dec. except at church and they ignore me so why should I involve them. And since I moved out my baby’s dad doesn’t come around much and tells me that I screwed up his whole life. And he’ll tell me off about leaving him. I feel like I’ve done the right thing by getting away from the drama, but what do you think? My parents aren’t to helpful to ask because they don’t like anyone who hurts their little girl, so they agree that I did the right thing.

    Thanks for taking the time to listen to me vent sorry and thanks,

    Tab

  • Well you did well with the venting part. But I know how you feel. Because my own father told me that as well. That God wasnt happy with who I had choen so that's why I haven't been able to have a child. Nevermind that I had things going on withmy body. I think you did the right thing. Your health and being stress free is the best right now. Maybe they will change their opinion when the baby comes but right now staying drama free is best. As far as your baby's father saying that you screwed up his life, please remind him that it takes two to make a baby. Sounds like your parents are supportive so that should help. I hope your baby's father feelings change by time the baby arrives though.

  • I am so sorry about your situation.  You really don't need the stress and all, believe me I know!  I think it would be a good idea to speak with the baby's father about him coming around more often because the more into this pregnancy you get the more support you will need.  Just let him know that you are very hurt by what his father said but you don't want to completely cut them out of your life or your baby's because not every baby is lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents.  Maybe invite them over for dinner and just talk.  They shouldn't be stressing you out like this.  Also if they bring up the whole God took your baby away crap, just tell him that yes God did take our other baby but he felt the need to make it up to us and gave us another one!!

     

    I hope this helped at least a little bit.  Try not to get stressed, I know it's hard right now especially with everything you have going on, but you will get through it.  Good Luck!!  Stay strong because your baby needs you to be strong for the both of you.

  • It is hard to know what the future will bring for you and your child. My advice is to stop trying to figure out the things you can not control and focus more on the things you can. Make it a point to surround yourself with positive and supportive friends and family. Talk to your OBGYN about the various resources in your community you may qualify for so you can take advantage of them. If you would like to go back to school...make plans, if you need to get a better job....then do it! Tackle your life with the understanding that YOU alone need to be there to provide for your baby. If the baby's father is willing to be a part of the baby's life, then you will need to work things out with him enough to "share" responsibility and custody. A lawyer may be needed to help you sort through custody issues. As far as the "grandfather" of the baby. Don't waste any more sleep or energy worrying about why he said what he said. YES,....it was extremely hurtful and he may or may not have meant it, but it is over with and in the past. Let his actions speak for him now...if he ignores you in church, then don't worry about it. You only have one life to lead...do not waste it worrying about what other's have done to hurt you. Forgive and move on. You may be surprised....a baby can bring out the best in lots of people.
  • It is always good to vent, no need letting something build up like it has.  I completely agree with another comment made for you to move on and worry about you and the little one.  Plan your life around you and your child and all else will come into play as needed.  Keep god in your heart and he will lead you where you need to go and help you with your struggles.  With this said it most likely will not be with some great sign such as the parting of the red sea but suttle things that happen over the long term.  The grandfather's remark although harmful can be forgiven, but you don't need to forget and you don't need to go out of your way to please him.  Be a good mom and that will be the best in this situation.  Good luck.

  • I'm sorry you have to go through this!! I don't get along with my own father and when I told him we were expecting our first he didn't have much to say. We don't get along for different reasons but we don't speak and he pays no attention to me. This used to bother me until I realized I have myself, my husband and now my peanut as we call him or her to think about it. In my opinion it's a tough decision but you have to do what is best for you and your little one. That was the conclusion I finally had to come to. That's a very hurtfull thing he said to you and if he was any kind of Christian at all he wouldn't have said that in the first place. I'm not judging but just saying that if he is as strongly religioius as you say then why say something as hurtfull as that.

    You definitely don't need this stress during pregnancy and if your significant other isn't going to stand by how you feel what would the rest of the years be like with raising the baby. He needs to respect how you feel and how that hurt you. I'm thankfull enough to have a husband who understands the conflict my father and I have and respects my decision not to associate with my father due to the stress and confusion it puts me under. I stay upset day and night when I attempted to have a relationship with him finally I realized it wasn't worth it. I made myself sick daily! I think of my dad constantly and can only pray for better things to come. I know that I want far more for my child from me and my husband as a parents. That's one thing this has taught me.

    I hope this has helped in some way! Keep your head up and think of you and your little one right now that is the most important. Excess stress and worry is not good for you!

    Hoping for the best for you and your little one!! Stay strong there are so many hurtfull people in the world and unfortunately your significant others father isn't the only one you and your little are going to cross!

    Best of wishes to you!

    SmileParadise

  • Hey there, I'm 27 and just about 28 weeks too. This is my 2nd child, I had my first when I was 18 and my husband (then he was my boyfriend) was 21. I remember the drama surrounding an unmarried couple having a baby. My parents definatly did not like the idea of us living together with a child and not being married. His parents were more supportive but it cause alot of conflict in our relationship before our daughter was born. My advice would be work on you and the babies dad's relationship first, lay everything out on the table and be honest even if it hurts. Once you guys are on the same page with what you want and where your coming from, then work on the other relationships (his parents, your parents) but it won't work unless you guys are a team. Every child deserves 2 parents but its not fair to put a kid into an unhealthy relationship, so if it doesn't work out with you and the babies dad, cut your losses and move on. Being a sperm donor doesn't make a Father. Good luck!

    P.S. My husband and I didn't get married until our daughter was 7. I'm glad we waited even though we had a child together.

  • I have a 3 month old and me and the baby's father broke up when I was 5 months pregnant. He wasnt mean and never said anything about me screwing up his life but it still hurt because he never came around or talked to me till I started a conversation when I was well over 8 months pregnant. Something that my parents said to me was that if I gave them (being baby's father and grandparents) the chance to be in the babys life and they choose not to them they could never say that I didnt try. So I can understand not wanting someone like that in your childs life, thats a horrible thing to say. But if you give them the chance and they dont take it or things dont get better, then its their loss. And right now you need to just be thinking about your baby, happy thoughts, no stress. I hope this helps, good luck and hang in there.

  • im so sorry to hear about the things that have happined to you the last thing you need to do is stress! But you and I and your babys grandparents know that only god can judge!(not them or anyone else) I think what would be the best thing for you to do is to have an open talk with mabe a member from the church! due to the fact that the baby may be born out of wedlock it still will need both parents in its live and it is vary hard to let go of some things that people say that hurt but think of it this way tou would do this for your child! I have a child with someone who has not been around from day one and the grandparents have not eather well needless to say that she is 7yrs now and she always ask me why they are not around and i feel better knowing that I can tell her it is nothing her or I have picked for our lives but some people just need to deal with things in their own way. in no way shape or form do you want to have it hanging over your head that you were the one that made that devistating chooice for your child that will change them forever! just  grim and smile and try to make the best of things you can cause you cant pick your family and now they are going to be a part of your life forever!!!  

  • Hi Everyone,

    I want to say thanks for all the advice. it means a lot and it really helped just kind of talking about it, or complainng about it. And for the most part I'm staying stress free. and I do focus on me and the baby, I'll be starting some classes at the college the following semester that she's born. and me and her dad talk about what we want out of this and for our baby. Just he doesn't show what he wants, like being there, but I let him come around when he wants. I don't complain to him about it anymore and I try not to worry about, I'm getting better at that. As for his dad and family as long as they ignore me I ignore them. I have talked to my pastor about it for some councling, and I pray everyday that God helps me forgive. And my baby's dad and my dad have both told the mean grandfather that I would just like for him to say sorry to me. But I'll get past it.somedays it just hurts more then others.

    But like I said thank you, thank you much for just letting me vent and giving me some feed back. It was realy nice of all of you to take the time. Thank you.  Tab

  • i feel that you are in the right. he should not have said that, and he should say he is sorry. if i was in your place i feel that i would have done the same thing. your child's dad should also back you up. you have to be on the same side, or compromise. regardless if he thought his dad meant it or not, it hurt your feeling, & he needs to think of you. if he lets them talk to you like that now, it will get worse when the baby gets here. they will think its ok to state their opinion whenever. i hope you can get it worked out, for you & your baby. its nice to have family around, but just bc they are older doesn't make them right. a christian person should never say something like that. a baby is a blessing no matter how they come into the world. hope this helps. : )

  • Make sure your baby's daddy understands it takes two to tango. It is obvious that you both have strong family ties. I know it is unfair but maybe your guy will come around once he meets his kiddo. Once that bond is formed he will want his family involved. You will then have to decide whether you want to woman up and approach your baby's grandpa and ask for that apology. Explain to him that a baby is not taken away because of your faults but because the timing is wrong or the body sensed something was wrong with the baby and is now trying again.

    Your parents are right. You are going to be a mother and you need to stand strong. If you had just glossed it over and swept your bad feelings under the rug you would only be one step closer to letting someone else dictate how you raise your child. If you still want your baby's daddy in the picture, do your best to include him, but use your best judgment.

     

    Good luck to you sweetheart.

  • dear tab,

    I think you did the right thing. his dad should not have said that to  you and i feel your babies dad should have took up for you because that was his baby to. but don't let his dad get to you. you do what you think is right for you and your baby.

    Leigh ann

  • Ok i know it's not right to be spiteful but him saying that is not very christian like, judge not and all. my advise to you is to seek your pastors council. tell him what your bfs dad said and ask him for advice, and to give a small sermon on this. (forgiveness, judgement, hatefulness etc.) your bfs dad can be repremanded by the word of god. and maybe learn some humility and manners in the process.

  • First of all you did the right thing by getting away from the stress. I was wondering if your first baby was a boy. Boys are more suceptible to stress for some reason then girls and the incidents of miscarriage in the second trimester are higher. There was a study done on the incidents of miscarriage after 9/11.  So, who's to say the stress caused during the first pregnancy wasn't to blame for your miscarriage. And as far as getting God involved.... well you needed to just remind this man that judge ye not unless ye be judged. And tell him that since he's now speaking directly to God to ask him what he thinks of this man's behavior and mental abuse of you and his son. And if I were you I wouldn't expect an apology. After all, he was arrogent enough to say such an absolutely abusive thing to you. You can't exactly expect him to ever think he's actually done something wrong. I just love people who are suposed to be spritually insightful who turn around and open theri mouths and absolute fodder falls out.