Husband and older step children

  • i just jad my daughter in sep she was 3 months early she is considered a micro preemie she weighed 2 pounds at birth we were in the hospital 2 months it made me and my husband closer at first then as my daughter got better and she was out of the hospital and we started having his 5 and 3 year old boys again and having to deal with his ex and all the problems that come with her and how she is never taking the boys to the doctor or anything when they are sick everytime i have them they are sick and they are very jealous of my daughte because she is here with daddy 24/7 and they arent so they get physical when daddy is holding our daughter they will pull his arms and hit and try to push my daughter out of his hands wich causes a huge problem for me i am scared they will cause him to drop her or they are going to hurt her when we arent watching and his kids mother never warns us when she is sending them to our house sick and my daughters immune system is very weak because she was so preemie she told me last week if i needed her to warn me when her children are sick then i should keep my daughter in the hospital so it caused alot of problems and it is causing me to resent my step children as much as i love them and its making me resent my husband for allowing the boys to act like that and for not making his boys mother have respect i show nothing but respect for her and she gives me none she is extremly jealous that i had a girl with my husband after they tried so hard for a girl but that is not my fault i just was wondering if anyone had any advice ont the situation

  • Gosh, what a rough situation. I don't think you are asking anything remotely outrageous to be notified if the boys are sick when they are coming. It's really important to protect your little girl's health. I would encourage you to stick to your guns and advocate for your little one. Maybe you can sit down in a calm moment, when the boys aren't around, and have a heart to heart talk with your husbands. Make sure you come at it with a "discussion" attitude and not a blaming attitude (which I often struggle with!). Maybe you guys can come up with some new rules that you will be enforcing about how the boys act around the baby. If you are both on the same page, then you can enforce it together. Perhaps give the boys a reward chart/stickers for times when they do helpful or gentle things with the baby. When they do a certain number of actions, they get a reward like ice cream out with dad! Hang in there - you are right to be protective. Let us know how it goes. 

  • SORRY  TO  HEAR  BOUT  UR  BABY  BUT  IM  GOING  THREW  DA  SAME  THING  WIT  MY  BF  KIDS  TOO  THEY  DNT  HIT  ON  MY  BABY  OR  AANYTHING  DA  MOTHER  IS  REAL  JEALOUS  OF  ME  N  M  BABY  I  GUESS  CUZ  HE  NO  LONGER  WIT  HER  BUT  AS  FAR  AS  DA  RESPECT  THING  MY  BF  PUT  HER  N  HER  PLACE  WEN  SHE  TRY  TO  START  UP  SO  NOW  SHE  DNT  WANT  HER  DAUGHTER  ROUND  HER  DAD  OR  MY  SON  SO  NOW  HE  TRYN  TO  FIGHT  TO  GET  HER  N  SHE  NOT  NO  WOMEN KNOWN  HER  KIDS  R  SICK  SHE  SHOULD  KEEP  THEM  HOME  UNTIL  THEY  GET BETTER  N  FOR  UR  HUSBAND  HE  NEED  TO  EXPLAIN  TO  DA  KIDS  THANT  THEY  CAN  HURT  HER  IF  THEY  HIT  THEY  DAD  DA  WRNG  WAY  N  HE  NEED  TO  PUT  HIS  FOOT  DOWN  WEN  IT  COME  TO  HIS  BM  BUT  I  HOPE  U DNT  TAKE  IT  OUT  ON DA  KIDS  SO  I  WISH  U  DA  BEST  OF  LUCK

  • I am so sorry to hear the struggle that you are both having with joining a family together of step siblings, xwifes, yourself, your BF/husband and new baby.  Just as Julie said, this must be very,very stressful.  

    In reading about this I think that there are several core issues and if you can go at addressing those core issues you may find that things are going much smoother.

     

    The first issue i can see is that dad's children may be feeling jealous of the attention that the new baby is getting and may even fear that dad is going to leave them for the new family.  What needs to happen here is that the other siblings need to know that they are an important part of the family.  They need to take ownership of this part of their family as they do with their biological mother.  I'm not sure how old they are, but you might start by having a "family meeting" (many families have these weekly).  At the family meeting both Bio dad and you can tell the other children that you know that they might be feeling scared or angry about the new baby, but that they need to know that they are very important.  At the meeting time set up a weekly or biweekly time that is reserved for "dad and me" time.  Then dad is going to have to do everything in his power to never miss or skip these scheduled times.  This will help the children see that they are important and valued by dad.  I think that family dinner time and perhaps a family activity time every week would also be value able.  The next agenda at the meeting is limits around behavior.  Just like at school there needs to be limits that are clear and consistent.  These limits can be things such as: 1-I will not run in the house, or 1-I will ask for step mom or dads help in holding the baby and will not do it alone. 1-I will respect others and so on.  Now, just as Julie mentioned having an incentive for following the rules will make it all work, I loved her ideas about sticker charts.  Now, the next thing that needs to be addressed is Bio-mom.  It needs to be really clear to her that if the other children are sick (and define this for her-meanging fever, cough, ect) then they need to stay at her house until they are no longer contagious.

    This sounds like  a lot of work, but you are just basically setting limits and being clear about what is ok and what is not ok.  

    Let us know how things are going and if any of this was helpful.

    Take care,

    Jess