Second baby, first one is 9 and new relationship

  • I just need advice from anyone who has it. my family and I have been struggling ever since the big news. This is a big change and sort of soon in my relationship, but we have overcome that much. My daughter is still adjusting to my boyfriend being around. For the past nine years it has just been us and now there is a man in our lives. She has started to rebel greatly in terms of just following a simple instruction. She gets plenty of attention via family time and our time but is being defiant against me and Nick, my boyfriend. She has not had trouble with his son being around and has actually enjoyed it. I am thinking though that because I am having a new baby and babys get a lot of attention that this is having an affect on her. Also her father has never really been in her life. She basically knows he exists and that is it and has met him a couple times. But he has not been around for the last three years and now that I have a boyfriend and he is pretty much not going any where she is not liking it any more. At first he was fun and we still do fun things but now she doesnt want him around. So I am struggling with her and trying to help her cope and trying to help my boyfriend as well. Lately he has told me that things are not what they used to be and that he feels that I am being too emotional... he should know it comes with being pregnant. He even went as far as saying that I must be the ones that wear the pants in the house because my decision is final. That is not true. we ake choices as a family but that is how he has felt lately. He also feels that my daughter does not want him around and that too is not true. She wants him around they are just having a rough time right now getting along. I am sure I am forgetting something and I am sure I will post again.. I just need help...

  • Sounds like you have your hands full juggling everything. Pregnancy is a wonderful time, but when that pregnancy wasn't expected, it is bound to lead to mixed feelings for everyone involved. While your daughter and your boyfriend may be excited about the new baby arriving, they are struggling with their own questions about security and the future. Each in their own way, both your daughter and your boyfriend are afraid that things are going to change. Talk to your daughter and your boyfriend (both together and separately). Let them know how much you love them and that this new baby will be an expansion of that love...not a replacement. Remind your boyfriend of how difficult pregnancy is and how hormones can make a woman emotional..then tell him to keep the lines of communication open. He needs to be able to tell you if he is scared or nervous about being a father again.

    Get your daughter involved in planning for the baby...this may help her realize that this new baby will be fun for her and that she is actually gaining a "family"...something she has missed out on all these years. Finally...be patient with them and give them the space they need to come to terms with everything. Good luck and welcome to Strong Moms.

  • Awe, that's really rough. As an adult I felt so bad about what I put my step-mother through. She was such a trooper and had unbelievable patience with me. Now, I probably have a closer relationship with her than with my dad. So I would hope that your new guy will understand it may take some time for her to cope with all the changes and have that same patience with her. I also agree that it's important to involve her as much as you can and also for you both to spend one-on-one time with her. Maybe her school counselor could even offer some support. Hang in there!

  • Thank you for the advice. I am just overwhelmed. We have our good days and our bad. Lately it has been more not so good. I just hope that changes soon. We have done a lot of talking and coming up with ways to help us all. As soon as we find out next week what we are having I am sure my daughter will love to partake in picking out stuff and stteing up the baby area in my room. I know that this is a big change and also my daughter actually having a father figure around is a change as well. She never has had one even in my previous relationship. Her father has never been around either as I have mentioned. So my boyfriend is realizing that more and more it will take more time for her to really warm up to him and let him in. Thanks again.

    Michelle

  • Yes I do too hope that someday they will have a good relationship. And thank you for your support. The counselors at her school are no longer available due to budget cuts Sad so I am looking in alternative places for that. We have used counseling previously because od a relationship that I was in. Now over two years have past from that and I have a new relationship and now a baby, so just trying to help her cope with it all seems overwhelming at times.

  • Hang in there...just keep her talking to you and try to involve her as much as possible. Also, maybe set aside some time to spend with her---just the two of you. Maybe take her to a fun Valentine brunch and a movie or take her shopping...the more she realizes that you love her and that things are not going to change for the worse, then she may begin to settle down. Glad to hear that you are looking into counseling as well.

  • I like your advise, and hope it will help improve such relationship..

  • How are things going? Any improvement for you and your daughter? Thinking of you!

  • Wow this sounds like a tough situation. I want to encourage you to help your daughter find her voice and express her feelings in words. I think that if she is able to talk through what she is feeling she may act out less. Children often act out when they don't know what they are feeling, don't know how to share it, or feel that their feelings aren't important enough to be shared. It might be helpful to meet with a pastor or a counselor a few times together as you look to restructure your family. This has got to be big not only for her, but for you, and the rest of the family. How are things going this week? -Jess
  • I can relate to this issue. I just had a baby a few months ago and my son is 8 from a previous relationship. The difference has been that his father is part of his life. It has been a learning experience for my child and I. I was a single mother for 4 years before I met my current husband. It has taken my husband 4 years to get a close bond with my son. He does not try to be his father but at the same time he knows that he is in charge. Just take it one day at a time. Do not force the relationship. Things will get better. I not sure how much this would help but before I started my relationship with my husband I asked my son if he was ok with me dating. I moved in with my husband before we got married and I also made sure to include my son in that decision. As long as he was included he was ok with it. Having a baby after being a only child for so many years has been tough on him. He was used to just him having all the attention. But I include him in taking care of the baby and also I made sure that at the baby shower and the coming home of the baby there was a big boy gift for him. It does not have to be anything big but when the big fuss is about the baby the older child get's left out. I hope this helps.

  • I see your reply was a while ago but still relevant for so many as many of us are in blended families. I am expecting my second child and my 1st son will be 17 soon. It was just the 2 of us from 10 months to 13 yrs old so this has been an adjustment. He is excited about being a brother but at times shows his dislike for the other man in the house. I have found that the more we include him in the baby shopping, picking names, preparing the nursery, or always being the fist to know new info (ie the sex) the less he dislikes my significant other.  It's never easy but I find taking one issue at a time keeps my sanity.