Young mom to be, don't know where to start - please help

  • Hi everybody,

     

    I am expecting my first child and I'm due in May of next year. I was nervous, anxious, scared and kind of excited to find out that I was pregnant. I was most scared of how my boyfriend would react. He has the same scared and anxious feelings as I do, but we have different ideas of what we want to do so far.

    We were both adopted at birth. I know that I had a lot of issues growing up with feeling undeserving of what I had, wishing I had a "real" family, a lot of questions, and depression/anxiety. I want my baby to know that his/her mommy and daddy love them and want them (despite the circumstances). I don't want my child to grow up with all of the same problems and hurt that my boyfriend and I did. I can't imagine giving up my own flesh and blood family member. The problem is, I lost my job the day after I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend's car blew up so we're sharing a car and barely getting by at the moment. I'm worried obviously about my financial situation but want to raise my own child.

    My boyfriend agreed to raise the baby together last week but yesterday flip flopped and thinks it's a bad idea. I understand his concern but I still think we can do it. He said that I needed to think about what I wanted to do and will ultimately leave it up to me. I am worried that if I choose to keep the baby that he will not stick around for very long. I don't want to believe that he would leave me or his own baby but it is a valid concern.

    I have put a lot of thought into possibilities so far and don't know what to do. Any advice for my situation? Any moms had the same problems?

  • BriLandy -

    I want to start by sending you a gentle hug across the wireless waves.  It sounds like things are hard right now and you are really facing what your future is going to look like.  I think that the first thing to do is take a deep breath and realize that you have some time to sort this out, it's not quite October and you have until late spring to make a decision.  The next thing I want you to consider is that you have options, and ultimately YOU are the one that gets to make the choices.  Knowing that ultimately you have control over your life is a very empowering thing.  You can choose to make your life and that of your babys any way that you want to.  You have a lot of insight into your past and I really think that will serve you well as you think things through.  So, I'm not sure that I've offered you any real advice here, but maybe some perspective that you have time, insight, control and let me offer-a listening ear here anytime you need it.  I hope you will continue to share with us as you think through things.  Take care,  Jess

  • Hi Jess, thanks for your response. I know that I am the one who will ultimately decide what to do, like you said, but my anxiety seems to get in the way of thinking clearly. I feel like my anxiety has been spiraling out of control due to the circumstances, and I'm having a tough time gaining control.

    I would love to raise my baby with my boyfriend/baby's father by my side and be able to give baby everything that he/she needs to grow into a happy and successful adult. However, I know that I can't control all of that. I guess all I can do as far as my boyfriend's situation is to just wait it out and hope that he will calm down and come around. For everything else, I just need to try and focus and work hard for my goals.

     

    Thanks again,

    Bri

  • I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time right now with your job and your boyfriend's car. My advice to you would be to take it one day at a time and gather the information you need over the next 9 months to help you make the best and most informed decision. There are many options out there for you, including adoption and only you can make that decision. If your boyfriend does not want to be a part of the adventure, then that is up to him, but if you desire to raise your child, then you can do it....even without him. I know that is not ideal and not what you want to do, but it is an option. Focus your energy right now on surrounding yourself with people who will support you and who are a positive influence on your life. Talk to your doctor about resources you may qualify for and support groups in your area. In addition, take a hard look at your life and where you want to be in the next few years and then GO FOR IT! IF that means going back to school or getting a new job, then do it! You have the power to make you and your baby's life whatever you dream it to be. We are all here for you on Strong Moms! Hang in there!

  • I was an absolute wreck when I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want kids. My daughter is 2 months old now and I have not seen her father since before I found out I was pregnant (last Halloween). And let me tell you, it is hard doing it on your own. BUT when you look into your babies eyes and see his/her smile it is all worth it. I battled with the different options I had when John said he wasn't going to have a part in this but I would never take back my decision. If you do decide to raise your baby, it's going to have its tough moments but I think if it's something you really want to do then you will be amazing at it and build a good and comfortable life for you and your baby. There are other jobs out there, even other guys, but what is inside you is one of a kind. Going through the past you went through is tough and I couldn't even imagine going through that and I apologize you had to. But it also shows you how strong you can be.

  • Hi MommyRN4,

    You are right that I could do it without him. I really fear him agreeing to sticking around with our family but getting too stressed out when the baby comes and leaving. I know that if I have to worry about him doing that then it probably isn't worth the effort of trying to get him to stay, but I love him and he is my  baby's dad so it's hard to think of raising the baby on my own.

    I am in college currently too so at least I have a tentative plan for my future. It'll be hard to be mommy, work full-time, and be a student full-time but I know I can do it if I stay focused for the baby's sake.

     

    Heather,

    I'm sorry that you had such a tough time with your pregnancy but I'm glad to hear that you are doing better now that your daughter is here. 

    My past wasn't that bad I had everything I needed, it was just the emotional/mental problems from the confusion that had the lasting effect. Like I said though I don't want that for my baby and I think my decision at this point is to raise my baby no matter the situation with my boyfriend. Hearing people like you who were just scared as I am and sometimes worse off find the light at the end of the tunnel makes me think that I can do the same. I think that when my baby is born I will feel a lot better just being able to hold her/him in my arms. I think that having a little one to take care of will give me motivation to graduate college and start on a good career.

  • You are doing an amazing job of reaching out for support and thinking things through.  I'm so glad a few other have replied and have given you more things to consider.Keep reaching out and asking questions and as always ask for support when you need it.

    Take care

    Jess

  • Thank you Jess, I appreciate your help.

  • If he really loves you he will stay around and help you. If you want your baby then everything will end up working out in the end. I was in the same situation. I was 17 and had found out that I was pregnant. I kept the baby and she is now 11 and has a 7 year old and thier father is still in thier lives even though we are no longer together. I am now married and am expecting my 3rd baby girl. If you want to talk you can get ahold of me.

  • I was moved by Heather's response... and I agree that what you have inside of you is one of a kind. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and keep leaning on StrongMoms whenever you need support!

  • Hi BriLandy,

    God, I have been there. I was 19 when I had my son, best decision I ever made..his father was completely supportive and then cheated and left by the time he was three months old. He was completely out of the picture by the time he was 6 months old. I had two jobs, no money, no car. I needed to get assistance but I wouldn't change a damn thing. Even if you two were married there is no guarantee that he would stay or be supportive.And even if you don't keep the pregnancy or baby there is no guarantee he would stick around either. It sounds like you really want to have this baby and you don't want to place them for adoption. I recently had a pregnancy scare ( I'm 35 and just had my second child, and until recently I was a single mother..I'm not anymore but still it is weird for me) anyhoo I came across a website called Cradle of Hope..check them out . They were amazing and really friendly, they got back to my email within 24 hours and sent me information of a birthing options center that would be able to put me in touch with different assistance. If you want to have this baby, then have this baby , raise them , love them. I was lucky I had a lot of help from my family, are you close to them? How about your friends, do check out Cradle of Hope though, they are in MN..I'm in Ca and they were able to put me in touch with people who wanted to help.   

    Have you talked with your mom about this? 

  • Hey JSMommy76,

    I know I will need assistance too until I can get a good paying job going (working on it right now). I will check out Cradle of Hope - thanks for the tip. How have you raised your son with two jobs? I was thinking that I might have to do the same but I was worried about where my baby would be while I was working all day and how I would pay for child care.