Will my boyfriend come around to the idea that I am pregnant?

  • I am 34 and my boyfriend is 33; we have been together for a year and a half and we are both professionals. Our relationship is very loving, although we do have some volatile fights and at times, his temperament can be very difficult. I truly believe that we are in love and we have been talking about our future for nearly a year now, including marriage and possibly having children, although we were honest with each other that children may not be something that either of us would definitely want. Well, I found out about a week ago that I am five weeks pregnant. We were not using protection, as I have a large uterine polyp that I was supposed to have removed next month, due to the fact that it would potentially make it difficult for me to conceive in the future. My doctor called it 'built in birth control'. Anyway, I have never been pregnant before so I really thought this polyp was preventing that from happening. I was completely shocked to find out that I am expecting and when I told my boyfriend, at first, he was very supportive and very excited. He told me not to worry about anything and that he would take care of us. When I asked if he wanted to consider abortion, he said absolutely not, given our age and that we already planned to get married at some point. His reaction really made me feel safe and I was so grateful to him for that. We agreed that we would be legally married before the baby comes (his idea) and postpone having a wedding ceremony until later, when there was time to plan it. However, when we decided how to tell my very conservative parents, I told him I thought it was best that we be engaged first because I know that is so important to them and is the only way they will support us and this child. At first he agreed, then a few days later things completely changed, he told me that I was pressuring him to get married and that it's not fair that I do this to him and that I am not giving him a choice in the matter. Then he told me that he didn't really want this baby, he never really wanted any children and that if it was an option, he would want me to consider abortion. Now, he is not speaking to me and I am just trying to give him space to process everything, but I am wondering if this guy is gonna bolt on me. I know we never knew if we wanted children, but we talked about the fact that this could happen and always said we would take responsibility for it. I am hoping he is just still in shock or just scared. He lost his father 4 months ago and I know he is emotionally drained, but I have feeling 'pregnant and alone' and I never imagined I would be a single mother. Any  thoughts from anyone who has had a man change his feeling about your pregnancy and tell you he no longer wants it? 

  • Oh man i'm so sorry. While my fiance never had second thoughts about carrying through with my pregnancy with out daughter (She was planned) he did have his difficult moments that would have me seriously questioning our relationship. I do think that it is normal for each parent to go through their own "panic" phase before they really start to embrace what is actually happening. This is a HUGE change and for two people who weren't sure they even wanted children i can see how it can bring some pretty mixed feelings. I think if i were you i would sit down and figure out what exactly it is that the both of you want. And even though your family is very conservative i have a feeling that they would come around once they understand the reasoning for your decision. Remember they do not have to agree with it, but they need to respect it. You are a grown woman and have the right you make your own decisions. I wish you the best of luck. Keep us posted.

  • I am so sorry! This should be an exciting and wonderful time for you. I am sorry that it is turning into heart break. I can not say whether or not he will come around. I can tell you that all of my children were planned but when we found out we were expecting our first  my husband was ecstatic... for about a week. Then he got really stressed out and grumpy and we even got into a huge fight (mind you we had been trying to get pregnant). However, he calmed down after a few days and was just as excited as I was. I think it is hard for men to look into the future and see a cute a little baby that they will love more than anything. It is easier for them to see another a mouth to feed, a college tuition, a 24/7 dependent, etc.

    So many people will tell you how much you will love your baby at first sight. They will talk about the love you will feel for it and how amazing being a mother will be. The truth is, you will not fully understand this until you are holding your precious baby for the first time. Even if he bales, you will be an amazing mommy. I would hate for you to end the pregnancy and then realize that he isn't what you want in a husband. If he is willing to walk away right now when you need him the most, you probably will not be able to trust him enough to stay with him after an abortion. Stick it out. He may very well come around (it may be in a week or in a year but sooner or later he is bound to realize that he is missing out on the life of a great family) or he may not.

    Do you have a close friend or family member that you can talk to about this?

  • Wow - first of all, congrats on your baby. :-) Even though it was a total surprise, I'm happy for you that you get to experience the joys of motherhood. Secondly, I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend's change of heart. That has to be very discouraging and upsetting for you. It sounds like he has gone through some pretty major things with the loss of his dad and now this surprise pregnancy. Perhaps he does just need some time - try not to panic too badly at this point. Everything is probably still very shocking, perhaps even to yourself! I hope you have some friends and family you can lean on for support while he figures things out...perhaps reach out after a week or two and get together for coffee to discuss his concerns...I'll cross my fingers for you. Hugs to you. 

  • I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this grief on top of the stress and changing hormones you were not expecting. I can't tell you the right or wrong thing to do as I don't know the two of you personally (well, even if I did I STILL wouldn't have all the answers) but I can tell you that no matter what happens, you will love this baby very much.

    By coming onto this site I would think it is safe to assume you are in no way considering abortion. It sounds like you are ready to seek advice and support from other mothers on a decision you have already made. I just want to be very clear here; this IS your decision and yours alone. If he comes back to you and tells you he will leave if you don't give up the baby, I am sorry to say this but the relationship is doomed to fail. I have a male friend who loved his girlfriend very much. They were twenty when they accidentally got pregnant and he wasn't ready. Foolishly, he thought that abortion was the only answer and persuaded her pretty strongly. She finally agreed although she did not want to and the guilt and anger towards him ended up destroying their relationship. If you want this baby, which it sounds like you do, do NOT let anyone persuade you otherwise. If you think it is the only thing that will save your relationship, I am sorry to say but it won't.

    We are here for you to listen and hope and dream with you. We will give advice as we can and we will root you on all the way. You need a good support system outside of a board, though. If I were there to give you a great big hug right now and tell you everything will be ok, I would do it in a heartbeat. Since I am not, though, I am hardly enough. You need friends and family who can talk and comfort you right now when you are scared. Please keep us posted.

  • I am so sorry for you that you are going through this. I would definitely not do anything quickly or suddenly. Give him some space and then talk to him gently about keeping the baby. He may just feel like things are going too quickly for him...the baby, marriage, etc... Just focus on your baby. If he doesn't come around...then he is not the right man for you. I hate to be the one to say this, but relationships are always tested...when you are married and when you are not. Life will throw curves at you...whether it is an unplanned pregnancy or the death of a child. If your "boyfriend" is not there for you during this first life curve, then he will probably not be there for you at any others. Give him some space to adjust to the news, but if he still doesn't come around then you should make plans to move on without him -- as hard as that may be.