1st pregnancy with grandparent concerns

  • To make a super long stroy short I will begin by stating this is the 1st grandchild for my parents as well as my hubby's parents. Not to mention she is the 1st girl in either one of our families in an exteremly long time. Im afaird that our families esp the grandparents wont allow us to be the parents. I dont mind advice but I am convienced that my hubby and I r in 4 a long road of family irritation, mostly from my mom. She has always had a strong opinion and somewhat pushy. me being the only child dealt with it for years but now I think shes having a hard time realizing Im grown and about to have a child of my own and that she cant make up missed times or things she did wrong in my life with my child.  1 small example... She was very upset and I think she still is on the fact that once Im bout to push she is not allowed in the delievery room. Its just hospital policy.  her exact response to the information was I might as well not so up. not realizing how that hurts me 4 one but also not realizing that she would be allow in during all the other HOURS of the laboring process. Ive tried talking to her, simply put things arnt that simple. So now that Im 33 weeks along Im really searching  advice and opinions. Thanks a bunch to all.

  • I think that you have to speak with your hubby and set the bounties early. Your mom might always have something to say but, you and your hubby have to do what works best for your family. You may want to go to a counslor for yourself so that you make sure that you deal with any issues that might arise from this and you have tools to deal with them. No matter what you do your Mother and Mother in law are always going to have advise. One thing that I wish I had done with my first child was establish a savings account (early like the day she was born) so that I could establish a patten of them putting the money towards her schooling instead of extreame toys.. some toys are nice too many became junk. Finally I said if you buy her another toy it has to stay at your house.. cause she could not play with all the ones she has. (It is better with the 2nd and 3rd child) cause my family knows too many toys is not going to get them far and they make small deposits into there savings accounts instead of toys it really does add up over the years and it might end up being enough for 1 or 2 years of college....Just do your best and stay on the same page with your hubby.. Good Luck

     

  • Congratulations on your pregnancy!  About your problem, I agree with WendyLynne to set boundaries  early on and to speak with your husband about it.

    I would suggest dealing with these situations in one of two general ways, depending on why the problem arises.  Taking the delivery room as an example, if your mom honestly just doesn’t see why you need help with one thing but not another, then simply explain that to her.  Like, “hey mom, I really need your help during most of the laboring!  I know you think I need help with the pushing, but it’s actually the earlier stages where I need you the most.  I’m nervous and I’d really like you to be there for the earlier parts even though we can’t have you there for the pushing.”  This way you show her that your needs are different from what she thought they were.  If, on the other hand, your mom simply can’t put your/the baby’s/the hospital team’s needs above her own need to see the baby right away, then that is a bit scarier and I’d suggest taking a harder line that doesn’t really leave much room for response, such as “As you know, we won’t be having other people there during the pushing.  I’d still really like you to be there for me in the early parts of labor but if you choose not to come, that’s your choice and we’ll just have to miss you.”   

    That was about specific stuff, but something else you can do more generally now is to start mentioning to your family that you and your husband are trying to be responsible parents and that as part of that, you plan to be independent and self-sufficient.  (That way you can always bring this back up after the baby is born if they try to tell you what to do).  The reason I think this will work is that a) it isn’t personal against the family specifically and b) often people with strong personalities (mom, mom-in-law) admire traits like self-sufficiency, so it might be a better way than saying ‘hey, butt out’ to get them used to the idea that YOU will be the parents when baby arrives, not them. (of course, it’s always possible you might have to resort to telling them to butt out anyway……)!  Good luck with everything.  I’m sure it will all work itself out esp if you & your husband are on the same team with the boundaries.

     

  • Boundaries are super important and really essential to keeping your sanity when dealing with grandparents. It may be that they're resistant to your requests and even get angry, but at the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you, your husband, and your little girl. You don't need to be worrying about how your mom feels when you're delivering. You need to focus on yourself.

    I don't think what you've done is unreasonable. Maybe think about having a talk with her about your concerns and let her know how they make you feel. She might not know and hearing it straight from you might be a wake-up call. Can't hurt to try.

  • I agree with the others... in addition, I think it's important to address things as they happen, and not let them build up. It may be painful at first, but hopefully once boundaries are established you can have the relationship everyone would enjoy and benefit from. There's enough pressure without distractions, so roll with the punches as best you can!