not married

  • I have been with my bf for 5+ years and we starting trying to get pregnant about a month ago. It happened right off and we are pregnant! I was sooooooo excited, this is everything I have ever wanted and he is on board too. What comes as a shocker is that my mom, who has always wanted to be a grandma was a little surprised (although she had her first when she was not married and then divorced when she had me) -I am VERY nervous to tell people afraid of the judgment and the question "was it planned". I want to be excited but I never thought people would be so judgmental, including my own mother. I have always marched to my own drum and will most likely marry the father some day but that was not important to me to do before getting pregnant - anyone else in this position and have some good advice?

  • I have almost EXACTLY the same situation... My fiance and I just passed up our four year anniversary.. Which we both forgot about because we're too busy... Anyway we had been talking about having a baby for a long time and decided to just let my birth control run out and whatever happens; happens. Well i ran out of birth control in the middle of march and was pregnant by the end of may. We had been engaged for two years at that point and had started planning our wedding numerous times, but our lifestyle was too hectic to complete any of the plans, not to mention we were very broke for a long time, and the wedding just kept getting pushed back. So now we'll be getting married... When the engagement ends. That's what we tell people who ask. It's not the right time. It's our belief that a baby needs two happy parents that love and  cooperate with each other through the good time and bad. (And that is what I will tell Hazel if she ever asks why we weren't married when we decided to have her.) The only thing a marriage helps with is keeping the guy around... No offense to the awesome dads on here... but there are a few lemons out there...  Our baby was planned and we have made that very clear to everyone. She was not just a wonderful accident, we wanted her. Much to my surprise we weren't really judged much at all, and when people ask I politely tell them what I wrote above. Don't get me wrong marriage is great, but it is after all just a piece of paper for the government... and is not required to raise a happy and healthy baby in a stable environment. So when people ask or seem rude/ put off about it that's their problem not yours. politely tell them that you'll get married when you get married. This baby was planned and you and the father of that baby love it very much and will do just fine raising a baby without having signed the governments little legally binding piece or paper... Welcome to the site and congrats on your pregnancy. I hope my novel put you at ease if not helped.

  • A marriage certificate does not ensure good parents, only that they chose to sign a piece of paper together.  i know a lot of women who had babies without being married to dad, Honestly, though, in most cases they then got marriaed withoutin a oth or so.  I know this is hard but do what is right in your heart, listening to your feelings and then mke a choice about marriage based on what is right for your boyfriend.  This isbest way to make that decision-marriage-if it ever is right.

    Take care,

    Jess

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    if it even gets to ttht feling

  • Only you will know when it is right to get married and you shouldn't let anyone pressure you into it. While it is unconventional for the older generations, many people now a days are choosing different ways to have a family. Just realize that you may get some slack from the older guys out there. If you and your boyfriend are committed to this baby, then that is all that matters. Good luck and let us know how it is going! 

  • You are amazing - that is exactly where I am coming from! That made me smile today in the midst of all this "morning sickness" YUK!!! How do you already know that it is a girl? My first pregnancy apt is tomorrow morning!

  • Glad you got some happiness out of the posts, really it's not as taboo as it used to be. The morning sickness it definitely not fun, but it does get better. Once it goes away enjoy every moment before you hit the 3rd trimester, it get's way more rough. But lucky for you we're all here to help ease your way through it.. so don't hesitate to ask if you want to know something or have any concerns. There are many women who say they knew their baby was a girl or a boy before it was actually confirmed on ultrasound, but I went back and forth for a while and just when i was certain i was going to have a boy.. the ultrasound tech said "And i see girl parts"... In my opinion you're pregnant in the best time of year... I was due 2/23 and i'm guessing you're due 2/20 judging by your screen name. I managed to take my pregnancy one phase at a time by only looking forward to my next appointment and the next holiday.. i didn't really think much about the end until i was about 30 weeks. it's really easier that way. Do as much research as you can, forget about everyone elses opinions and relax. You're going to make it through with flying colors!

  • I'm so glad that others have spoken up with such wisdom!  I wanted to apologize for my disjointed post as I have been away from home and my computer and hotel internet connection obviously went amiss! I want to support you in doing what is right for you and the baby's dad-not just geting married bc you have a baby.  I know this has come up in other previous posts, but baby's are best raised in a happy, and healthy environment and that envt. is not always "mom and dad", it's often a combo of many loving people in his or her life.  So as I was trying to say-do what is right to create a healthy life for you and baby.  Do keep us posted as to how you are doing!

    -Jess

  • I guess I'll be the spoiler here and give a different viewpoint, but not one that is judgmental. 

    I do think that its better for the kids and for the parents to be married while raising the kids together.  Several studies have shown that this is the most secure structure for raising children.  I think that we value independence so much that we forget the importance of security in our lives.  Raising children is hard, and one of the ways that I get through the tough times is knowing that my  husband is so committed to our family through thick and thin - and even during the times that he might even consider giving up (which he hasn't, to my knowledge - but we're all human) - its the conviction that marriage is forever that keeps us steady. 

    With that said, you've already made this decision, so I don't understand why your mom is upset at this point.  If you feel like marriage really is just a piece of paper, then I wonder why anyone would want to be married.  I happen to believe that it is much deeper than that.   You're an adult - you need to make your decisions and stick by them.  If you are not confident in them, don't hesitate to reevaluate.  But you can't live your life based on how other people perceive you, unless of course, you think they might be right - but either way - it has to be your decision.

  • JoyfulMomof2 I value your viewpoint... I can see where you're coming from, and how children do benefit from the sense of security that marriage can offer. However There is so much more to consider in raising a child than their sense of security is concerned. I have some family friends that have been together for 30 years at least and have been married to each other twice. Oddly enough they have always resided in the same house, raised their children, and lived the relationship of a married couple; married or not. For whatever reason when they took their vows and signed their certificate the relationship got worse. They'd get legally divorced and all was normal. Kind of a strange situation and i'm sure there are some underlying issues there somewhere, but my point is that the marriage or lack there of didn't affect their sense of security in the least because they knew that their parents would always be there for them regardless. Not to mention my own story which i'll post in my bio so that i don't keep re-posting it for the moms and dads that are on here regularly to read... I'd like to note that a marriage is nothing more than a vow from one person to the other to be together, love one another and be faithful through thick and thin. The legalities of marriage should not lie within the government but with ourselves and god Like it had since the beginning. The government is there to tell you that you are together financially responsible for you bills and taxes and what not. If you get a divorce then you once again have to go through the government to do what?... separate your assets. That's not to say that the government can't be good for things like dividing custody, although they aren't always accurate in what's in the best interest of the child. Anyway The point is that a marriage doesn't come about with standing in front of a crowd and taking your vows then signing a legal document binding you together for the governments sake. A marriage is in your heart. So ask yourself... Do the two of you love and support each other to the end of the earth? Do you live as a married couple does? Do you share all of your assets without question of what is whose? And finally did you decide to have a baby because you love each other and you wanted to be able to share that love with an extension of yourselves? If your answers are yes then in your heart and Gods eyes you are married. You do not need to sign a paper to prove that.

  • I apologize.. I forgot to sign in before i made my last post... the last novel was from me.