Obtrusive in-laws

  • Hi everyone! I have been having an issue with my in laws for a VERY long time!! It started Ten years ago when I first got together with my now husband. They have never liked that I have a child "by another man" and have made that QUITE clear. I have been talked about - both to friends, relatives..MY HUSBAND.....My mother in law is one of those people that talks about people behind their back, or even if they are in the same room. She is really good at giving back handed comments, to everyone, about everything. I could go on and on.....but through the back ground checks, and not wanting anything to do with me for years....I have Always remained respectful...I have never told her where should could stick it. Well...during pregnancy she decided she would start calling and texting me, telling me what I should and should not be doing....planned a baby shower for me, leaving out all my friends and family...and inviting her neighbors, and family....my best friend even reached out to her to be included in planning the shower and she was dismissed, telling her she would receive an invite in the mail, when it was time. She lives 2 hours away...hosted the shower at her house, and never invited me to stay at her house, or make arrangements for me not having to drive there, do the shower, and drive back home.....so I got a hotel room. The day of the shower, she says...why didn't you ask to stay here? really??? ugh. Now- the baby is here...10 days old.....Day three she showed up at the house, and demanded that I wake the baby up for her to hold him....my sister in law didn't wait..she scooped up the baby and held him....then passed him off to mother in law....I personally DO NOT want or need visitors rights away...I think about bonding, germs and getting used to breastfeeding, and overall care....I could care less about who has a desire to "hold the baby"..its ALL about what is good for the baby...not anyone else. I sucked it up...even breast fed one side, and let my husband bring the baby into the living room for a few mins, and breastfed the other side after....was this good enough? nope...they stayed and "grilled" my husband in the living room....telling him he needed to make sure I was doing things on my own..because HE looked tired...that I need to think about going back to work....etc....before leaving I was told that I needed to call her, she was not going to be calling me....The main issue is that she seems to think SHE gets to say when and who visits the baby....she wanted to bring her sister the following week, her other sister the week after that, grandma, the week after.....My husband put his foot down after seeing how stressed I was....my stress= baby stress. Our child lost A lot of weight in the first 5 days,,,we were in and out of the doctors office, and I had to switch to formula....ALL taking a toll on my well being...making me feel worthless. NEVER during pregnancy, or after delivery, have any of them offered to help with chores, food, ANYTHING...all they care about is holding the baby and showing him off to family members. My husbands sister even went as far as to send out pics of the baby to all family members...when my husband confronted her with the fact that it is not her place, and it took away from us doing a birth announcement...she got pissed at him. WHAT is wrong with these people?? I will never with hold the baby from any family members...BUT on what planet is it not ok to have the time you need to recover and bond with your new addition? Since when is it the in laws choice? enough rambling~ please help me ease my mind...it all stresses me out so badly. I just want to get my little nugget up to weight and healthy before I worry about who wants to hold a baby.....

  • kristijayne-

    I want to start by sending a gentle cyber hug across the airways.  This sounds so stressful and upsetting.  You are doing such a good job of taking care of your family, and you definitely don't need extra stress.  It sounds like this has been going on for a long time, and so it's not always an easy resolve.  I want to encourage you to be honest with what you need and how you want things.  I think that your husbands support is very important so talking with him about how he can help support you in your needs is really important.  This is HARD stuff though!  I think the best thing that you can do is continue to be consistent and set the limits that you can.  Then figure out how you can cope with the stress that this puts on you in.  I wish I had a better answer for you and i'm hoping that others will.  In the meantime I want you to know that I am here to support and listen.  Hang in there,  Jess

  • I agree with Jess. It is super important that you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to handling his family. If you maintain a united front, then they will get the message that this is your baby and to be handled the way you see fit. Talk to your husband about how you want to handle visitors and his intrusive parents. Develop a plan and stick to it. You may even need to tell his family that they need to back off for a while. Make sure you set defined rules and stick with it. 

    When I first had my baby, my mother in law told me I needed to let him cry it out for a while. He was crying in his swing to be held and she literally stood in front of the swing to block me from picking him up. I was intimidated for a few minutes and let her...then I realized that I was his mother and that this was more important that hurting a grown adult's feelings.....so I asked her politely to please move. I told her that I respected her opinion but it just didn't feel right to me and that maybe in the future I would let him cry it out but I wasn't ready. I then stepped in front of her and scooped up MY baby. She was taken aback at first, but I never had that problem with her again. I think people just need to learn boundaries and sometimes we need to be the ones that set them.

  • I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry you have to deal with all this. The other two posters gave you great advice. I'd echo that and just tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of for wanting to put your baby first and just worry about being a mommy. Stick to your guns and kudos to your husband for putting his foot down for the both of you. Keep working together as a team - proud of you! 

  • My milk never came in do to PCOS and the wrong kind of hormones flooding my body.  

    I had to switch to formula straight away and even then she still didn't gain her birth weight back.  Try upping the amount and use a slower nipple like the ones on NUK bottles.  

     

    As for the meddling mother-in-law, who by her description sounds like Marie from everyone loves Raymond, get your husband on the job!  That's his momma and he needs to tell her how it is.  He married you, you have a life together and she needs to get over that.  Mommas are obsessive over their sons and her kind like to run the show.  That sister-in-law sounds like a piece of work too.  And a baby shower where none of your friends will be there?  Has it happened already?  Because that guest list isn't the final word my dear.  I would invite whoever you want and just let her say something.  Haha!  I pass on to you a bit of my Irish temper!!  Use it wisely it can cause extreme honesty and abruptness.  I'll be praying for you and your little one.  Babies are little aura readers.  They can sense when there's tension and react to it. 

  • First off Apple Fritter....the mother from Everybody Loves Raymond....that's so funny and probably has some truth to it.

    Kristijane I think I'm experiencing a milder form of what you've expressed (if you see my previous post). If I'm not careful I find myself dwelling and being upset by worrying about all the what ifs and imagined scenarios I have running through my head. Which in turn steals away from my happiness in the present moment. I thought it was rediculous that right after you got home your in laws were telling your husband to let you do things on your own becaue he looked tired and that you need to think about going back to work. How rude of her not to invite you to stay the night after your shower and acting like you should've asked to stay. I bet in her her world she put it out there in front of others like she's the good ole mother in law who threw you a shower how nice....what a crock right? Is there any possibility she could be jealous of you? Sorry I'm just venting for you. I will say that in order to take care of your baby you have to take care of it's momma first. You shouldn't have to have an excuse for not wanting company but I've had to make up a few of my own from time to time. And talking to a man about his mother....sheesh what a sensitive subject even if they aren't close to them. Sometimes it seems like the less I point the finger or say about her then the more he does which is good because then he aligns himself more on my side and I don't appear to be nagging. Plus it doesn't put him in the position to have to defend her. I don't mean that I remain silent but sometimes less is more.

     

     

  • Just wanted to check in with you to see how things were going! I hope things have calmed down a bit with your mother in law.

     

  • As a husband and father, my opinion is there is no doubt your husband needs to run interference and lay down the law. This needed to happen BEFORE the baby was here, but if it hasn't happened yet, your husband needs to understand the ticking time bomb that exists. Eventually, nobody would blame you for lashing out about the long list of snubs and disrespectful actions of your in laws, unless your husband can make them realize their transgressions. I hope you are dealing better than you had been when the baby was first born. Please update us, as your situation is one that has been echoed on the discussion boards frequently.