help

hello i am new here and im enjoying reading some of the topics i have concerns about with my 2 week old son.. i guess ill just tell my story and maybe theres some moms out here who can give advice or even just talk to.. i have been with this man for almost a yr now i let him move in about 3 mths ago hoping and praying it would bring us closer for when our son was born well how wrong was i.... my son is now 2 weeks old and nothing has changed the daddy still dont work and im thinking i have to go back to work this soon after the baby just so i can get my bills paid... yes i love this man and he does help out around the house with stuff i cannot do... well i could but im sure it wouldnt be right lol i cant even get him to change his sons diaper or help me feed at night when im exausted his excuse is he cant hear the baby cryin and i should wake him up..... seriously????  went to the doc for a check up and broke down in front of her she wants me to go on antidepressants to help... like i told her it has nothing to do with postpartum blues i love my son and wouldnt change that at all so i refuzed the meds.... anyway i hope that there are some moms out here that will respond  i could use someone to talk to lol besides the baby lol

Welcome to StrongMoms! Congrats on your little boy - so sorry to hear things have been a bit rough with your boyfriend. It sounds like there needs to be some discussions about the future and how he will be contributing to the family. Has he been looking for work and can't find any or is he not trying? Perhaps you can approach it at a time when emotions are not high and tempers getting the best of people. It's not too much to expect help but remember that new fathers tend to be pretty overwhelmed and uncertain about what their role is and how to be an effective partner. Strategize ways to help him learn this role... I would consider going to some parenting classes and perhaps a mommy group through your local hospital. They can offer some great support. Hang in there and I hope you find some relief in talking to people on here!

Connie- This sounds like a really hard time for you. I am so sorry. I want to start by just checking in with you about how you are feeling emotionally. It is really hard to sort out what feelings are due to exhaustion (which is normal when you have a new baby), what feelings are due to hormones (also normal w/new baby), and what feels are due to frustration over your boyfriend. (also normal given his lack of motivation to help out). What I am trying to say is that all that you are going through can be explained, and so a lot of the time working on those areas will alleviate the depression. However, that being said if you feel like you are a danger to yourself or to others please get immediate help. I have not gone through what you are going through personally, but i have seen this happen to may of my friends. What I want to offer about the boyfriend is that you can not change other people. You can only change yourself. This is a hard one for everyone! The thing that you can do however is set some pretty clear limits with him. This is HARD to do! I have a friend right now who is working three jobs and her husband sits at home playing video games and spending "their" money. Keeps bankrupting them, and so she has to work even more hours to dig them out of what he is creating. It's easy to see from the outside that she needs to set some limits with him-He needs to move out until he has a job would be one major limit. IN your life I'm not exactly sure what the limits need to be, but I can tell you that the expectation in a marriage is that both people contribute. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is contributing much. I can tell you that if you do not do anything, then nothing will change. I've seen that with tons of friends in the relationships that they are in. Somehow though we all hope that things will just miraculously change without any effort....funny thing, they don't. Humans are predictable in this way. I think that this relationship stuff is some of the biggest challenges that we face in life. I also want to add that you don't have to make this big of a limit with him. You can start small and build if you can tolerate that. For instance you might say to him: " I need you to do the 2am feeding, and I will do the 5am one". Something small, but significant. I know i've rambled, but hopefully you see my point. Keep me posted on how things are going. Take care, Jess

thxs jess i apreciate the responce i apreciate it .. as far as the depression goes NO i am not a danger to myself or others just  alot going on! i wish i knew how to aproch the boyfriend issue but havnt figured that 1 out yet... but like you said it has to be done or it will never change...

Connie-Thanks so much for your reply. I'm so glad that you are not feeling depressed, and completely respect the chaos of life. When I think about depression/anxiety ect I really think there are two branches to these illnesses. There is the biological depression that we often refer to when we talk of depression. THEN there is what I consider depression/anxiety that is normal given the circumstances in ones life. In other words-with that much stuff going on if one weren't sometimes anxious and depressed I'd be more worried about them! This kind of struggle usually gets better by resolving some of the chaos, or atleast having support to get through it. The whole deal about by things don't change until you change something about it-grr that's hard to take on bc facing these challenges is really hard! I hope that you will keep coming here for support and advice, before you know it you will be the one posting in order to help others! Gentle hugs, Jess